I am awake and sat in my works parking lot just before going in to start my shift today. So thought I’d shoot out a quick post.
I’ve just been looking through my files and realised I’m not following through with my drafts. I’ll use a story called isolation as an example. I finished this in early August I think but I still haven’t done the next draft. I should of had the next draft done and then the final one done and reached out to my beta readers to see if they can look it over.
I need to sit down and make a list of what is at what stage and start getting these stories finished.
Right, I’d better get in and make a start for the day. I hope you all have an awesome day.
No writing today, long shift at the day job. I’ve got another one tomorrow as well, so not a lot go writing this weekend.
I have had some amazing feedback on my story that is in the K is for Kidnap anthology from another one of the contributors which has made my day! I had a lot of anxiety about this story. I didn’t think it was good enough, which is a testament to the old saying ‘never judge your own work’. That feels so apt at the moment. I’ve got to get over my anxieties about my own work.
Right, I’m wiped out. So I’m going to finish this episode of Sex Education and then get my head down. After a little reading maybe.
I will pimp out my Buy Me A Coffee page quickly. If you like what you read here, or have read and enjoyed my fiction and would like to chip in for editing, cover art, website hosting fees. Then I will be very grateful. I understand times are tough, folks. I do. But anything I’m grateful for.
I edited 9694 words today on a story called Robert. Yes, I’m still holding off editing on Sweet Danny. Just need to get my head around it more.
I like Robert. I think it’s a good story and is part of a bigger universe that I’m enjoying working on.
At the moment I feel like my head is being pulled in twenty different directions when it comes to writing. And I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere at the moment. I know I am, but it feels like I’m not.
I need to change that, I’m making progress but it’s just not as quick as I’ve convinced myself it needs to be.
After work I ended up having a bit of a busy afternoon with some errands that needed to be ran that I wasn’t expecting today. They’re done and dusted and out of the way now though. It did mean I didn’t get any writing done. By the time they were done, combined with the early start and the lack of sleep that early starts treat me too, I’m wiped out.
Tomorrow I want to edit Sweet Danny. I’m pretty sure I know what changes I want to make with it to get it where it needs to be.
I would love to get some words in as well, but I’m kind of on a position where I’ve got more editing to do. Not the kind where I’m editing the same story a billion times, but short stories that I’ve written over the last few months that need a little tidying up before I shoot them off to beta readers.
I didn’t do any editing on Sweet Danny, I think I want to have a little more time while I process a few of the suggestions from beta readers and what I want to do with it.
It wasn’t a no work day though, I got 8021 words edited on a story set in the Penal Earth world after the day job. I still need to do a lot of work on it but I’ve got a good idea of what I want to do with it now and I don’t think it’s going to take too much to get it there.
I do want to get Sweet Danny and the zombie book edited this month. I just need to get myself psyched up to get stuck into the zombie one. It needs a lot of work and is rather daunting, but with the format of the book I can break it down into three parts and tackle it that way.
This little impromptu break from writing this las week or so has proved quite beneficial in that the creative gears are beginning to turn on a few stories that I’ve been struggling to get a handle on. Most of these stories are short stories and I’m aiming to have a couple of of these done, well drafts at least.
I’ve been playing a lot of GTAV online recently as part of working on my self-care. Gaming for me is an escape for me. It’s one the few things that turns my brain off from everything going on around me.
With GTAV I used to play it a lot but my anxieties would get to me. Mostly I’d just drive around robbing convenience stores, stealing and selling cars, and occasionally working for another player as bodyguard or associate. I had a Motorcycle Gang clubhouse but rarely did anything with it. When I would do the missions I’d get very frustrated when another player would thwart my efforts. And after a while it felt like it was becoming toxic to me. I was literally driving around doing nothing in the game. So I deleted it.
A few weeks ago Stefan from Stefan’s Daily Gaming mentioned playing it so I loaded it up again. Unfortunately we’ve not been able to make playing together happen, yet. But I’ve got a few plans for when it does happen.
The first few sessions I didn’t really do a lot, but then I had my day out at Broadstairs and that realisation that fear is ruining my life and I started doing more. I’ve bought a ID counterfeiting business via my motorcycle gang and have done a couple of the Survival challenges. I used to never do anything like that. The one time I did I got a little shit talking from the other players, and that put me off. Now I don’t think I’d be as delicate to it, but I also think I’m not going to be doing many of these missions with strangers. I think I just need to find my people on there. With Stefan I think it’ll be good. We’ve done a fair bit of gaming together and I think we’ll work well together.
I would like to have peeps I play with on there. You see others doing it and I think it would enhance the experience. It’ll make earning cash easier as well as some of the contacts for example need at least two people and even the ones that don’t an extra gun would be handy. You can recruit players in game to work for you, with a Motorcycle Gang they start as Prospects. I’ve had next to no luck with this, but I will persist as I want to expand that experience of the game.
At the moment I am building funds so I can expand my empire. I have something that’s beginning to look like a plan building. I’ve done a little reading online for tips etc. and I’m beginning to get an idea of where I want to put my money. I’ve just got to earn it first, and I’m not buying funds from Rockstar. I’m not necessarily against that, but its not for me. A) I don’t really have the budget to spend on games outside of my Xbox Game Pass each month and B) I want to earn my money. I don’t want shortcuts. I want to hustle and earn my wealth.
Now, other players do bother me. Some, I think they’r recalled Griefers, although I prefer trolls, are just out to ruin others enjoyment. I can understand trying to screw up someone as they’re trying to transport goods. You earn cash and RP (Respect Points) in doing that. It’s the ones who’ll do that, and then spend the next ten minutes just trying to kill you. These people normally have vehicles which are hard to destroy, like military grade fighters, when all I wanna do is get back onto another money earner. I even had one troll message me on Xbox (not even the in game messaging system) bragging about a gaming chair and calling me a noob. Firstly, I’m not sure what the chair has to do with it, secondly, I’m nearly level 100 on the game, so although I’m not a gifted gamer calling me a noob wasn’t accurate, and thirdly I’m not rising to that bait. I’m past that. I haven’t got time to get in a dick waving contest over a video game. If you’re someone that gets pleasure from ruining someone else’s enjoyment then you really need help. I’ll also not back down. I’m not quitting a session due to someone trolling me. Stuff that, I’ve given into too many bullies in my life, and I’m not going to do it anymore. Especially not on a video game.
I’ve made a few missteps cash wise but I’m on a decent road to recovery with it and am getting close to instigating my next major purchase.
I know I’m not the most gifted gamer, but some things in the game I do well. I’ve found I’m pretty damn good on a motorbike (which is shocking cause in real life I’ve never been on one), but I do feel exposed and would rather be driving my armoured sports car. Especially in a session where there’s a lot of hostility going around. I will admit that when I’m in those sessions I tend to be a little more passive and not as pro-active when running my MC (motorcycle gang), but I think I’ll change that. Loosing a payday or dying in game isn’t the end of the world. I’ve not found anything on this game that can be lost and not recovered one way or another.
I feel like I’ve made a commitment to build something in this game. To be successful in it. It’s not going to be easy and I’ve got to keep a strong nerve and not quit when it gets hard.
Since writing this post yesterday morning I have added a nightclub to my growing empire and I think this is gonna help me step up a level.
I wrote 740 words this morning and managed to finish a first draft of a story which has been a little difficult at times. Homestead is one that’s had a couple of false starts but I’m pleased I’ve finally got something I can now go back and tidy up and then wrap it up. I like how the story has gone as well.
It was a bit of a struggle to get going this morning. I woke up late and had plans this afternoon, so not much time to write. So I’m glad I got that 740 words done.
I’ve enjoyed this week off, but I’m looking forward to being back at work next week. I’m not back in at my store till Wednesday, but have a short training course at another store tomorrow. Which is really alien to me as I’ve never had to do a course before, well not since college.
Right, I’m off to bed. Have an awesome one, folks!
Wednesday really did open my eyes up to a lot of myself. One of which was writing my thoughts down. This is something I’ve known I’ve wanted to do for a long time but I’ve never been able to do it. I’m not really sure why but I think it might be a combination of the new medication I’m on, I’m having a little therapy, and it feels like something broke or changed in me on Wednesday.
Realising just how much fear and anxiety have ruled my life has been devastating in one degree, but freeing in another.
Fear was something we touched on in therapy on Monday, and I’m glad we did. The therapist recommended a book about fear that I listened to a big chunk of on the journey to and from the coast on Wednesday. And I think where it was something that we’d spoken about on the Monday I had realised that I was scared of everything and the therapist talked to me about it. Then going down the coast on Wednesday pushed open the door that was unlocked on Monday.
I think about the excuses I used to make. For not going to the beach it’ll be things like I don’t like getting my feet sandy, or wet, or both. Or getting sand in my car (I was a var cleaner for almost 20 years, sand is a nightmare to get out of a cars carpets), but that doesn’t matter. It’s just sand. It was fear defeating me.
Even simple things like sitting in my garden to write or read. I wouldn’t do it, it would rarely even enter my head. The last couple of mornings I’ve made a cuppa tea and then gone out and had my tea while writing my thoughts done as the dog is running around doing his business.
This morning I was sitting there in shorts, t shirt, a hoodie and my sandals. I had Max jump up on the seat next to me as I wrote. It was chilly this morning. We’re moving into autumn here in the UK (almost halloween season!!!!!), so the weather is cooling and after a while I did retreat into the house. I am going to keep going out there till the weather is too brisk for my taste.
One of the fears I’ve had the last few days is that I wouldn’t be able to sit and writer as freely inside as I have been outside, but I managed to do it okay today. I’m not sure I can write like that when I’ve got loved ones around me, simply because of the distraction but I’ll give it a go at some point.
My fear seems to be focused on failure or disaster. If I drive somewhere I could be in a crash. But that could happen driving to work. It doesn’t stop me doing that. Yes, I could crash but the odds are massive of that happening.
As for failure. Well, it’s a case ‘well what happens if my book doesn’t do well?’ that’s something I can’t control. The best thing I can do it write the next story. If I play online and join a group doing a team mission and I screw up, what’s it matter? It’s not the end of the world. Learn the lessons from it and try again.
I only fail when I don’t try. When fear stops me. I’ve lived in a state of fear my whole life.
I’m not doing it anymore.
My eyes are open, I’m realising what I can do to move forward and over come this fear.
I’m going to do what scares me. I’m not fearing the anxiety I used to.