Feeling Like A Fraud

I’ve not blogged much recently because I’ve been feeling like I’m talking and talking and not getting anywhere. I felt disillusioned as I haven’t got anything published for a while. Despite the fact that what I’ve been doing is getting projects cleaned up and ready to be submitted or self-published, I was still feeling like a fraud.

But I have been working fairly consistently.

I’ve only had four days this month where I haven’t done some form of writing work. I’ve written 1908 words but have edited 76368 words.

I am making progress, I’m just frustrated because I know my zombie novella won’t be out this year now. It’s ready to be formatted and the cover art is all but done, but cash flow will stop it from being out this year. I’m gutted about this. I’m really happy with how it’s come out, but I’ve got to accept the situation.

Penal Earth is done. I’m just waiting to pitch it to a publisher early next year, but if they turn it down I’ll get it submitted elsewhere and if I have no luck I’ll get it edited and self-published.

The vampire book is all but done. I’ve got my hard copy with a few little red-pen notes and then it’s ready to be serialised on my Ko-Fi page next year, in my Welcome To my Nightmare tier. I’ve not sure if I’ve shared that, but that’s where it’s going to start its life. I’ve tried to set it up so that it’s episodical, so I hope I’ve done it in a way that it works.

Black Blood is tidier than I thought it was. I think it’s not far off being done. Once I’ve done my current pass I’ll be printing it off and doing that final red-pen pass and then that too will be ready for submitting or self-publishing.

Once I am done with those I’ll be done with all of them. These four projects have dominated my writing path for far too long and it’s time I wrapped them up and sent them off into the world.

Then, maybe I won’t feel like the pretender I don’t want to be.

Good Morning, 25th of August 2022

Howdy folks, how are we all doing today?

This morning I’ve worked through the first episode of the vampire book. That’s 13368 words I’ve read through. This wasn’t a deep edit by any means. This story is almost done and this final read through is just to try and find any little grammar and spelling mistakes, plot holes I’ve missed and to make sure the continuity is okay after the recent changes I made to two of the episodes. These changes did bind a certain plot line up beautifully.

Now, when editing I tend to hit about 10k and my brain checks out, which it has. I pushed myself for those last 3368 words I think so now I’m longing out to do some bits and bobs around the house and chill out a little.

Have an awesome day, folks!

It’s coming…….

Still Struggling With Writing (and a big ol’ rant).

So, I’m still struggling to get my arse in the chair and get some writing done. I did write a little before work and during my break yesterday, which was a start, but I still feel like I’m slacking off.

The why of that is a mystery. I think it may be a side effect of mental health. I was a little down recently and when I get like that writing tends to be put on hold, but I can normally get back into the flow pretty easily.

Away from writing, life is good. There are some big changes coming at work, but nothing that I don’t think will have a negative effect at work or on myself.

There is a lot going on in the world though. We’ve got Ukraine, Covid, Brexit here in the UK. Raising cost of living, rise of Nazism (I refuse to call them white supremacist. They’re nazis. Simple as that).

Here in the UK we’ve got a parliament that is in disarray. Our Prime Minister had to resign and feels like he’d already checked out before his successor has been chosen (not by the population of the UK but by the Conservative membership by the way). The two people who are the candidates to succeed him are both not very inspiring and honestly, much of the same. The opposition party is weak. So we’ve got a weak government (that is allowing raw sewage to be pumped into our rivers and seas) and a weak opposition. That’s not good for this country. Which feels more like corporations are being allowed to dictate policy when it should be the government telling corporations what they can and can’t do and if the corporations don’t like it, they can fuck off!

Okay, rant over.

In regards to writing and my lack of, everything above is just bollocks! It’s all just bullshit fucking excuses that I’m using to justify my lack of work. And bullshit is what it is. Everything above should not stop me from writing. When I’m down, use those emotions in my writing (writing also makes me feel good about myself, so why wouldn’t I do it?). The state the planet is in, the shitshow that is Westminster at the moment, vent that frustration into fiction. Or even a blogpost like this.

I’ve spent most of my life hiding from the world. Hiding who I am, what I think, feel and so on. Suppressing my own fucking voice!

I

Have

A

Voice!

I need to use it. I need to put it into fiction, I need to stand up for what I believe in. (For the record, if i have a racist, sexist, just generally horrible nasty cunt of a character in fiction; that’s not my voice. That’s me creating a character who is FUCKING what is wrong with so much of this world).

Okay, I’m going to shut up now and do some writing work.

Be true to who you are. Even when it’s hard, thats when we have to be strong and stand our ground.

Good Morning, 26th July 2022

Good Morning, I hope everyone is well.

I’ve just read through the original draft of Penal Earth which I’m gutting for Penal Earth 2. Only thirteen pages this morning but had a few bits and pieces to do around that before I settle in for the new GTAV DLC.

I feel a little chaotic at the moment, where I’ve not done much writing this last week I’ve got bits and pieces everywhere! and I need an organise. So tomorrow I’m going to get stuck in with getting the writing bits sorted after A call I’ve got in the morning.

Right, Have an awesome day, all!

17/7/22

Good evening, folks.

I was up at 6:30am and had edited 7936 words on the vampire book by 10am, amongst a number of non-writing chores.

It’s been a very warm day here in the UK. We’ve got Red weather warnings in place from the met office for heat. There’s predictions of temperatures hitting 40 degrees C over these few days. We’re not used to this here, but we love talking and complaining about the weather. So it’s all good!

The rest of the day has been very low impact. I made sure I did as much as I could yesterday after work and this morning before the temperature rose to its peak. Even the cats have done very little. I’ve not let either out, which hasn’t bothered Dizzy but normally Raven would be trying to claw her way through the windows. She hasn’t. Most of the afternoon both cats were sleeping on my bed as I did a little gaming.

Both cats chilling out on one bed is very rare.

Tomorrow I’ve got lunch planned with a friend but I don’t think I’ll be doing a lot that requires exertion. Probably writing/editing in the morning before lunch and then after, during the hottest part of the day I’ll keep it low impact like today.

Although writing has been a little slow lately I feel I’m picking up again. I have these ups and downs. They normally happen when I’m directing more energy into another part of my life than normal. But, it’s on an upward curve at the moment.

Right, I’m off to bed.

Have an awesome week, folks.

14th July 2022

Hey folks, how are we all?

I’ve eased off writing a little the last few days due to family and work taking priority. But today I’ve got stuck into editing some short stories for Ko-Fi, which means I’ve got stories scheduled for the Welcome To My Nightmare tier through the end of the year. Then next year, I’ll have something that I’ve been working on for a long time kicking off…….

In total I’ve edited 13751 words on four different stories today.

I’ve also stepped back a bit from Black Blood. I realised I wasn’t doing the deep edit it needed and was just going through the motions a bit. This tells me I’m burnt out on this story and I’m going to put it to one side for a while. I’ve got notes keep popping up in my head for it so I’ll note those down and when I get to editing it I’ll put those where they need to be.

In the meantime I’ll be working on Vampire Era as that’s the next on the schedule. I do need to make one minor addition to Penal Earth that I think will explain something a little better. It’s not a change, it’s just a small detail that I need to do a little research on, but it’ll likely be less than a sentence when I do add it.

Speaking of Penal Earth, I am in the very early stages of planning book two.

The last few weeks I have felt off pace, so I’m going to try and step it back up to the level I know gives me a decent level of productivity.

5th Of July 2022

Howdy folks, just a quick post tonight. I’ve edited 1403 words on Black Blood and done a little planning on Penal Earth book 2. I kept thinking about scenes and plot lines, but I think diving in full steam ahead without any direction then I’m gonna end up hitting a brick wall, or seven!

So I’ve started a basic map out of what I want to do. A lot of what will end up being in book two will be taken from an original draft of the first book, including an element that I was scared I’d have to cut as it didn’t really advance the plot, but now I’ve got an idea to tie it all in nicely.

Right, I’m wrapping it up for the night, have a great one all.

4th of July 2022

Howdy folks! How are we all doing tonight?

After going out to get my tyre sorted on my car I got home and got cracking with some editing. I worked 2526 words on Black Blood, and 4045 on a story called Trapped. That one will be going up on my Ko-Fi in August on the Welcome To My Nightmare tier.

Black Blood is going to take a fair bit of work to get it where I want it. I feel like I’m slowly sussing out what works for me as a process. After years of fuck arsing about I hope I’m getting to the point where I can get a system where I’m not only writing but getting good words down, getting work completed, and most importantly published.

I have got so much work on hard drives that just need a decent edit. Stories that I was too scared to do anything more with, or not knowing what to do with them. Maybe I was too scared to search out what to do with them.

Stop rambling, Peter.

Anyway, I’d like to get this pass of Black Blood done (as I sit here watching Predator I realise Black Blood had a little bit of a love letter to this movie and Aliens in it), as Vamp Era is calling out to me. There’s one major plot point I want to change which will fix a weak plot point and then It’ll be near done. It’ll go in the ‘waiting for funds to edit’ file on my computer.

Anyway, this is me done for the night. An early tomorrow, but also a midday finish. So back into it when I get home.

Have a great one folks.

30th June 2022

Good afternoon folks, I hope we’re all well?

Today I’ve edited 3779 on Black Blood, 238 on a flash piece called Watermelon, and 171 on another flash story called Roommate Wanted. Roommate Wanted is now live on my Ko-Fi for all supporters.

I’ve been a little burnt out this last week or so, which means I haven’t written much. So I’m playing a little catchup with things like Ko-Fi and where I want to be with Black Blood. I think I might have to print Black Blood off before I go into the next stage. I’m working through the notes I made on my last pass and have a lot of work to get it where it needs to be. It’s been A slow start but I’ll build my momentum slowly and get back on target.

That’s my writing day done, I’m going to go and start unwinding a bit before an early night as I’ve got an early tomorrow.

Rock on folks!

I quite like this one ☺️