I have tea, Raven is climbing over my printers while Dizzy is sitting staring at my from besides my chair. A scrap is imminent….but I’m awake. I’ve got a late shift today so I wanted to get up and get cracking early and for once it feels like I have done. There was no ‘snoozing’ of alarms. No rolling over for ‘another five minutes’ which always turned into at least another half an hour. I have an Amaranthe playlist via YouTube playing and I’m ready to get some words cracked out. I’m even dressed!
So, what’s the day got planned for me. I’d like to knock out another thousand words of zombie. I think that is very achievable. Just plug away until about midday I think and then that gives me a little time for lunch, half an hour on GTAV and a few other bits and bobs before heading off to work.
That all sounds really straight forward. It’s not. I’ll be editing as I type of the hand written draft of zombie. So I’ll be having to think on the go and I’m going to try and read the scene before I type it up so I know what point the scene is taking the story to. I am feeling quite a bit of pressure with zombie. This will be my first release and it’s got to be right. I don’t want to be that person who puts something out into the world and it’s poorly put together. Typos, spelling mistakes, bad layout, and so on. I trust my editor, she is incredibly good at what she does and I know she won’t let me embarrass myself.
But, I’m pushing through. I’m not letting my self-doubt stop me. I’ve had far too many months where that doubt has had me dragging my heels on writing. I know the why of this, and I’ll talk about it one day but it deserves more than a few sentences in a daily post. I know I can do this. I know it’s time to step up. And I know I keep repeating this, but that is more for myself. It’s me keeping that positivity at the forefront of my consciousness.
Self doubt, imposter syndrome, what ever you want to tag it with, is a prick. It’s a horrible feeling and one that when it takes hold it can shut me down in a heartbeat. But it will not win. It may gain ground by winning small battles but I will win the war.
I’ve been playing a lot of GTAV online recently as part of working on my self-care. Gaming for me is an escape for me. It’s one the few things that turns my brain off from everything going on around me.
With GTAV I used to play it a lot but my anxieties would get to me. Mostly I’d just drive around robbing convenience stores, stealing and selling cars, and occasionally working for another player as bodyguard or associate. I had a Motorcycle Gang clubhouse but rarely did anything with it. When I would do the missions I’d get very frustrated when another player would thwart my efforts. And after a while it felt like it was becoming toxic to me. I was literally driving around doing nothing in the game. So I deleted it.
A few weeks ago Stefan from Stefan’s Daily Gaming mentioned playing it so I loaded it up again. Unfortunately we’ve not been able to make playing together happen, yet. But I’ve got a few plans for when it does happen.
The first few sessions I didn’t really do a lot, but then I had my day out at Broadstairs and that realisation that fear is ruining my life and I started doing more. I’ve bought a ID counterfeiting business via my motorcycle gang and have done a couple of the Survival challenges. I used to never do anything like that. The one time I did I got a little shit talking from the other players, and that put me off. Now I don’t think I’d be as delicate to it, but I also think I’m not going to be doing many of these missions with strangers. I think I just need to find my people on there. With Stefan I think it’ll be good. We’ve done a fair bit of gaming together and I think we’ll work well together.
I would like to have peeps I play with on there. You see others doing it and I think it would enhance the experience. It’ll make earning cash easier as well as some of the contacts for example need at least two people and even the ones that don’t an extra gun would be handy. You can recruit players in game to work for you, with a Motorcycle Gang they start as Prospects. I’ve had next to no luck with this, but I will persist as I want to expand that experience of the game.
At the moment I am building funds so I can expand my empire. I have something that’s beginning to look like a plan building. I’ve done a little reading online for tips etc. and I’m beginning to get an idea of where I want to put my money. I’ve just got to earn it first, and I’m not buying funds from Rockstar. I’m not necessarily against that, but its not for me. A) I don’t really have the budget to spend on games outside of my Xbox Game Pass each month and B) I want to earn my money. I don’t want shortcuts. I want to hustle and earn my wealth.
Now, other players do bother me. Some, I think they’r recalled Griefers, although I prefer trolls, are just out to ruin others enjoyment. I can understand trying to screw up someone as they’re trying to transport goods. You earn cash and RP (Respect Points) in doing that. It’s the ones who’ll do that, and then spend the next ten minutes just trying to kill you. These people normally have vehicles which are hard to destroy, like military grade fighters, when all I wanna do is get back onto another money earner. I even had one troll message me on Xbox (not even the in game messaging system) bragging about a gaming chair and calling me a noob. Firstly, I’m not sure what the chair has to do with it, secondly, I’m nearly level 100 on the game, so although I’m not a gifted gamer calling me a noob wasn’t accurate, and thirdly I’m not rising to that bait. I’m past that. I haven’t got time to get in a dick waving contest over a video game. If you’re someone that gets pleasure from ruining someone else’s enjoyment then you really need help. I’ll also not back down. I’m not quitting a session due to someone trolling me. Stuff that, I’ve given into too many bullies in my life, and I’m not going to do it anymore. Especially not on a video game.
I’ve made a few missteps cash wise but I’m on a decent road to recovery with it and am getting close to instigating my next major purchase.
I know I’m not the most gifted gamer, but some things in the game I do well. I’ve found I’m pretty damn good on a motorbike (which is shocking cause in real life I’ve never been on one), but I do feel exposed and would rather be driving my armoured sports car. Especially in a session where there’s a lot of hostility going around. I will admit that when I’m in those sessions I tend to be a little more passive and not as pro-active when running my MC (motorcycle gang), but I think I’ll change that. Loosing a payday or dying in game isn’t the end of the world. I’ve not found anything on this game that can be lost and not recovered one way or another.
I feel like I’ve made a commitment to build something in this game. To be successful in it. It’s not going to be easy and I’ve got to keep a strong nerve and not quit when it gets hard.
Since writing this post yesterday morning I have added a nightclub to my growing empire and I think this is gonna help me step up a level.
No writing today. My brain is frazzled, lots of plates in the air work is manic and I’m so ready for some time off that’s coming up. I’m also trying to look at ways to improve my self care and one of those is gaming more. When I game I can shut my brain off and focus on just that thing. So far so good, okay I’m getting my arse kicked at both Rocket League and Grand Theft Auto V but I’m enjoying both.
Right, I’m gonna sit down and watch a film called Black Rock and then call it a night. Third early on the trot and my body is like ‘nah’.
I am still half asleep, I’ve already drank my tea and am feeling sad about that (but I can solve that by making another one!), but I’m almost ready to get cracking with the fiction today.
Yesterday was a very productive day, I feel like it’s got me back on track with the vampire book after being at sea with it for some time.
Today I’ll finish off the last episode I was working on and then copy and paste the next one over into my drafting file and get editing. I do need to get back onto Black Blood today as well. I’ve been away from that project for far too long now so I need to reconnect with it and get moving with it again. I need to get that ending mapped out and off the ground. Once I’ve got a completed story then I can start knocking it into shape. Don’t even get me started on Penal Earth!
Most of my work is done on laptop, but that’s only because my desktop only works when it want’s too. I’ve got to get it checked out once lockdown is over, hopefully it’s not a major fault. I can work easily enough from my laptop but sometimes its just easier to work from teh desktop as it’s got a bigger screen, especially for editing.
But hey ho! We work with what we’ve got. If it came to it I’ve got pens and paper, so I can always get the stories down.
I’m going to get started now. I hope you all have good days, I know times are tough at the moment but we can get through them.
Good afternoon/evening folks. I’m writing an end of day post a little earlier today as I mentioned earlier my buddy Stefan is coming over and I know I won’t write it later because it’ll probably be later on in the evening when I get the time.
Despite not having much time today I managed to get 1466 words on Penal Earth written in about 2 hours. I’m super happy about that. I think I’m on the right path with it, it feels right anyway.
Tomorrow I won’t have much time to write, nor will I Sunday, but I’ll try and find time to get words down. Having written so much today in not a lot of time is encouraging. I know I can get the words out, its just not letting my head defeat me when I sit down to write.
I’ve included a couple of the videos of me and Stefan playing Mario Kart. I hope you enjoy and consider giving Stefan’s Daily Gaming a follow on Facebook. He’s a bloody good friend that has gone above and beyond to be there for me this year and I couldn’t wish for a better friend.
I’m having a bit of a down day, so I’m looking forward to hanging out with him and beating his arse at Mario Kart 😀
I am determined to sit down one day next week and get my NaNoWriMo project decided and prepped. I was going to write a novel, but I’m having second thoughts and might do another short story collection. I might even do prep work for both and see how I feel as we get closer to NaNo.
Right, I hope everyone has had a good day. I’m off to murder a pizza!
I’ve had a strange couple of days. I’ve not had work today and yesterday but had an urgent matter to see to yesterday that was unexpected but that took up the morning. Then in the afternoon I prepped for a weekly appointment. I’ve been trying to do this the right way, which means its a couple of hours at the least I dedicate to it, and I think it’s really beginning to pay off. And yes, I’m going to be vague about it.
So after all that, I was a bit beat. So I didn’t write yesterday. The day before I didn’t write much either because I fell asleep. I did have a productive meeting via Discord with fella ML’s from the Kent region for NaNoWriMo. It was a lot of fun and I’ve not laughed that hard in a very long time. We did also get some bits and pieces sorted out for this years NaNoWriMo as well. It’s going to be a strange one as we won’t be having any write-ins at all. NaNo HQ have said that there will be none, so there will be none. It’s just not worth the risk, and I fully agree. If you’ve been reading this blog for a long time then you’ll know how much I love going to write-ins. I think they are one a great way of being reminded that even though writing is a solitary act, for the most of it, we’re not the only ones doing it. But, we don’t have them this year so we’re working on ways to make it a memorable year for people while doing it all virtually.
In other news from my little corner of the world, the paperback for Corona-Nation St is now out! I have my copy and I’m super happy with it. I’d given up on this story until after I’d moved back to my parents and started to get myself sorted. Matthew Cash, the ruler of Burdizzo Books, posted a reminder about the submission call and it spurred me to revisit my piece. I had a complete story but it just didn’t feel right. So I looked at it, and ended up rewriting the ending, which changed the entire tone of the story. I hope it works. I feel much happier with the story as it is now. I did bleed into the story, but that’s why I think it works. Although I didn’t literally do what the character does I channeled some of my feelings and emotions into it.
The pre-order for It Came From The Darkness is also available now! Like Corona-Nation St, this is a charity anthology full of flash fiction. This was an invite only and I am so proud to have been invited to it.
So, please check both of these out.
I’ve got an errand to run today before Stefan from Stefan’s Daily Gaming comes over for a few hours to game. If you haven’t checked out his stuff, please do! He’s a great guy and a very dear friend.
So I’ve got a couple of hours this afternoon to write. So I am going to try and make the most of that time.
Good evening folks, only 187 words today, that was before work. After work I’ve been sorting a few things and chilling out in preparation to add a few pieces of furniture to my office.
Although tomorrow will be busy with that I’ll still be finding time to write, and I’d really like to get some editing done as well. We’ll see though, although I’ve had a productive month (details here on my Buy Me A Coffee page, free to read folks). This is a little bit of a change of how I’m doing things. Buy Me A Coffee is a site that lets people support people whose work they enjoy, kinda like Patreon, but different. I’ve popped a few random posts up there (which later got shared here as well), but from here on out I’ll be writing a post that gives numbers and some insight into them for the previous month. Will this be the format from here on out? Who knows. I’m trying to keep open minded and fluid with things like this, so we’ll see how it goes. Any money I receive does go straight back into writing.
This blog though, will continue. I pretty much get views each day, but I always get a jump when a new post goes live. And It will never be behind a paywall. I’ve been blogging for over a decade now, I enjoy it and quite frankly I like the journal type format that this has evolved into.
Right, well I wasn’t expecting this post to be much more than a ‘hey I wrote a little bit today’ but there you go. I will just end by asking you all go over to Facebook and checkout Stefan’s Daily Gaming, this video in particular. I guested over there and Stefan and myself play some Mario Kart. It was a lot of fun and a great way to blow off some steam. While you’re on Facebook, maybe go over to my page and give me a like too 🙂
Only 300 or so words this evening. I’m letting myself get to distracted by tv and movies. I’m taking part in Camp NaNoWriMo this July so that’ll get me firing. I am also going to make a to do list for the month and get the pieces in it done!
It feels like I haven’t done one of these in a while, what with NaNo going on I’ve been rather focused on that and have obviously been blogging daily with my progress.
I won’t focus too much on NaNoWriMo here, I’ll just say its going well and I’m seeing the parts of the story that are working better than others. When I come to edit it I’m thinking of adjusting the pacing of it and giving more of the focus of the book to one of my two protagonists. It’s an odd story because I don’t really have an antagonist, both of the protagonists could also be viewed as antagonists as well. So it’s quite an interesting story to be working on.
Something I’m going to try and do in future is a bit more gaming. I love games like GTAV, Halo, Gears Of War, Mario Kart, Arkham Knight(I’ve just brought Return to Arkham too), and last night I started getting stuck into the new DOOM game. It’s something that I really enjoy and find it opens up other parts of my brain. I’m going to try and spend an evening a week gaming and blowing off steam.
I need to be reading more as well, that’s something I’ll be picking up in the next week and trying to get a routine going. I’ve got a couple of movies and new TV shows I want to get stuck into as well. I’m falling into re-watching shows and movies, which I love, but I want to get stuck into some new shows and movies.
Right, I’m off to get some words written. I’m not expecting to knock out 2000 words in just over an hour like yesterday, but I’m going hop on a couple of online sprints and see how I do. Then, time to get stuck into Gears of War 4.
I’ve spent the last seven years or so thinking I need to be wearing clothes with a designer logo on them. I got it in my head that wearing brands would help me be the person who I thought I wanted to be, but it wasn’t who I wanted to be. It was who I thought society wanted me to be.
Recently though, I’ve realised just how much crap that all is. I still like wearing the branded pieces I’ve got, and there is a certain quality to them as well which isn’t always found in clothes without a designer brand on them. That said though, I’ve brought a few pieces recently and the quality is there, I think the trick is buying the right clothing. I’m not looking at the cheapest, or the expensive; I’m looking at what I like and if it feels like cheap crap, I won’t buy it.
Recently I’ve brought a few new items of clothing: Three pairs of cargo trousers, two Gears of War T-Shirts (and a badass Gears of War hat), A Captain America T-Shirt and a Doom hoodie. I’ve also got a Punisher T-Shirt and my brother brought me a hoodie with a S.H.I.E.L.D. Logo proudly on the chest. (Yes, I know technically these are all brands).
These, I feel comfy in. I feel like myself when I’m wearing them. When I wear something with a designer brand emblazoned across the front I don’t feel anything, but if I’m wearing a Punisher T-Shirt, or a Captain America one, then I feel at home and I feel it says something about me. Yes, I’m geek, but also that I have a respect for what these characters stand for. It also can give the impression of what I’ve been through with these characters. I’m a comic book convert and will never be able to catch up with the decades of content there is, but that doesn’t make it any less meaningful of my journey over these last few years.
The same can be said with video games. If someone asks me about Doom, because I’m wearing that hoodie, I can tell them about playing the original and how I just kind of randomly wondered around. I can tell them how hard I found Doom 3, and how much I’m looking forward to really getting stuck into the latest game in the series. I can also go into my experiences with Gears of War, more so as Gears of War is one of my staple games. Aside from the one which didn’t focus on Marcus Fenix I’ve got them all and am itching to get the next game that is out soon.
I’ll probably get some T-Shirts and so on that represent the bands I like as well.
I’m buying the things I like. Whether that be something really geeky, or a designer piece that has taken my eye, but I’m not going to buy anything that I think others will like anymore. It’s got to be for me.
I’ve been denying who I am since my teens; now I’m seeing who I am again, I’m enjoying discovering myself. I’ve felt this for some time now.
I’m not going to hide it, I’m not going to change to please others or society overall.