“I’m always good, me,”

I work at a supermarket and when I’m not on the shop floor I’m on a till. When customers ask me how I am I more often than not I’ll reply with “I’m alright, I’m always good me,”

Even when I’m not okay I say it, and I’ve been thinking about this and the mindset I’ve got growing of seeing the best in life despite what I’m feeling. There are times when I’m feeling down and not as positive as I’d like to be but I still say it.

Some of that is the ‘faking it ’til I make it’ mentality. But what I’m not doing is ignoring what I’m feeling. I’m listening to my body, looking at why I’m feeling like that. This is what I’m doing for all my moods. The more I know and understand what’s going on inside of me; mind, body, soul, the lot. Then I’m going to be able to draw myself to the elements that give me the most positive experience of life.

The biggest element that I’ve noticed which affects my mental health is tiredness. So, that is one of the major parts I’m focussing on improving. I’ve started adjusting my sleep patterns a little, but I think there’s a lot I’ve got to suss out with it. At the moment I’m focussed on getting my head down earlier on nights where I have early shifts. I’m also watching my intake as the day progresses. Definitely no energy drinks after about 3pm, as little sugary snacks after about 7pm (this one I think might be a little harder). I’m trying to wind down my head a little bit as the evening progresses as well. A little less proactive mind, and a little more passive input. Movies, TV, books etc. Gaming does relax me, as does writing and blogging, but those are both pastimes that require proactive thought. Other things are more passive. I can let them enter my mind without them firing up my creative mind too much. Something proactive makes me alert, brains firing and it’s harder to let my mind rest.

Getting good sleep makes all the difficulties of life easier to manage. It makes the fog less thick.

Good Morning! 14th December 2021

This blog post comes to you from a man who isn’t dead tired!

Where I’ve had lots going on recently I’ve not been getting much sleep, and the sleep I have been getting isn’t good sleep. Last night though I was gaming and crashed a car because I nodded off briefly (which in real life can be disastrous). And I decided to get an early night. I was in bed a little after eight with The Simpsons on (something that lets me shut off the constant stream of consciousness, but also something that if I miss any of it I’m not going to loose out on a plot point), and got me head down.

I’m not sure what time I nodded off but I woke up about ten or so and turned off the TV and the next time I woke up was when Max barked his head off and I went down to see what had alerted him (I think it was a fox or something). That was about three this morning. I went back to sleep for forty-five minutes or so and got up when my alarm went off at four.

And you know what, I feel pretty awake today. That’s the first time I’ve tried doing that and I’ve managed to sleep. When I’ve tried early nights before they just haven’t worked.

So today, let’s rock and roll!

Guard dog extraordinaire

I’m A Stress Eater

When I’m stressed out I overeat. When I was younger it was really bad. I’d eat two or three bars/bags of chocolate a day, and I’m talking the large share bags/bars of chocolate not the little ones you get at a newsagents.

It’s a coping method and something I just did. There wasn’t any thought going into it and it’s not been till the last few years where I’ve started connecting the dots and realising its a problem. I try and figure out what pushed me to food, and I find I’m a little grateful I wasn’t going out drinking in those days. Addiction is something that I’ve always feared, so I never really drank too much alcohol and definitely never did any illegal drugs or abuse legal drugs. I didn’t realise that sugar was sneaking in and claiming me, not until many many years later. I used to think ‘at least I’m not an addict’ not realising there was more to addiction than alcohol and what I thought of as drugs.

As I’ve got older its harder to eat as much, and that’s coincided with me realising it’s a problem. And in particular the last eighteen months or so it’s something I’ve been trying to manage better, not very successfully but I’m trying. Writing this post will hopefully help with that as it’s admitting it in such an open forum.

This is a very big bar of chocolate, and I only ate a little of it and have the rest for other days.

I’m listening to my body a lot more, and that’s something which feels like it’s changing. I used to stuff my face and then wonder why I was feeling rough, totally ignoring the tub of ice cream I’d just eaten. Now I’m realising when I’m full, but also managing to stop myself from eating more. It used to be that I would keep going until the bar/bag was finished. The thought of leaving some for tomorrow either didn’t occur or seemed like an obscene concept.

Since realising just how bad I can binge eat and figuring out how to firstly manage it, and now try and beat it I am feeling better. I know the days when I don’t beat it. I feel heavy and sickly. I’m putting so much rubbish into my system and I need to at least compensate with more water for example (drink two litres of water a day folks!). But I feel like I’m going in the right direction with it. I drink less energy drinks, try and eat less sugary snacks and snacks in general. After my evening meal I feel full now, and if I do have something I’m trying to just have a bit but I’m working on not eating if I feel full.

Tea has to have sugar in it!

I’m also thinking about the ‘when’ of eating. Too much sugar in the evenings affects sleep, which when insomnia is something you battle with you don’t really want to give it an ally. I’m trying not to eat after 9pm and with the exception of an occasional hot chocolate I try to just drink water or squash after 9pm as well. I’d like to cut this down to 8pm if I can but for the moment I want to be consistent about having that 9pm shut off.

At times I feel like I’m winning, and then I have a major setback and feel like hell and guilt trip myself for failing so hard, which then strengthens the urge to binge eat. It’s one of those vicious circle things. But I feel like I can get the balance right. Am I likely to give up sugar? no, but I can live my life without it dictating my intake of it. If I consume less sugary snacks I’ll start feeling it both physically and mentally and I’ll hopefully loose a little of the extra weight I’ve gained this last year, I’ll feel better mentally and that’s a win all around.

I don’t actually like this picture of me cause I look at it and just read my gut 😕

Good Morning, 25th July 2021

A very early good morning from here in the UK. Seeing as I couldn’t sleep I thought I’d be productive and get a few words down. I’m also hoping it all wipes me out and once this post is written and I put my head down I drift off easily.

I have written 1111 words on a short story about a serial killer. I feel the story is going well, although I’m not really sure where it’s going. I’m letting the story tell me where it wants to go, which is a little frustrating but also quite fun.

When the sun is up I’ve got some beta readers notes to look at and then I’ll be doing the out loud red pen pass on Penal Earth. I’m going to set myself an easy target, maybe ten pages. I may do more, depending on how I feel and how my voice holds out.

Right, I’m going to try and sleep! I hope everyone reading this is having a fantastic weekend!

NaNoWriMo 2020: Day Eighteen

388 words today.

Crap day. I finished work early but after a shower and some dinner all the energy in my body fucked off.

I don’t feel like I dragged those 388 words out, I feel like I walked into a fight club and questioned their mother’s honour.

I am getting next to no sleep, I’m getting down on my words counts and yes, I’m being a whiney little brat right now.

So, I’m going to bed. (Don’t worry, I’ll be okay in the morning).

These two don’t have a problem sleeping.

My War With Sleep

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while you may have seen the odd post where I talk- okay Rant- about my troubles getting asleep, and then staying asleep. Now though, I think I’ve found something that’s working. I’m going to bed later than I was, and I’m dropping off easier and not waking up as much during the night.

When I decided to give this a try I was worried that I’d be (even more) grumpy in the morning, but surprisinly I wasn’t 🙂

Erratic Sleeping Pattens

I would not say that I’m an insomniac but I do have a few issues with sleep. Normally it’s a case that I just struggle to drop off when I get my head down. Some nights I’ll lay for what seems like hours before sleeping, and that is normally something I’m okay with. I’ve lived with it for so long I’m use to it. Waking up 3, 4, 5 times a night is something that I am not as used to and it’s what I’m getting at the moment, and it takes it out of me a lot.
This is a time thing though. I’ve been here before and I’m sure that either in a couple of days, a week or two at the most then I’ll be back to normal. Until then I’ll muddle through and adjust as I need to.

A little trick that I have learnt about falling asleep is that I need to relax my mind a little before I try to sleep. Normally a movie or a chapter or two of a book does the trick.

😊