Realising The Fear

Wednesday really did open my eyes up to a lot of myself. One of which was writing my thoughts down. This is something I’ve known I’ve wanted to do for a long time but I’ve never been able to do it. I’m not really sure why but I think it might be a combination of the new medication I’m on, I’m having a little therapy, and it feels like something broke or changed in me on Wednesday.

Realising just how much fear and anxiety have ruled my life has been devastating in one degree, but freeing in another.

Fear was something we touched on in therapy on Monday, and I’m glad we did. The therapist recommended a book about fear that I listened to a big chunk of on the journey to and from the coast on Wednesday. And I think where it was something that we’d spoken about on the Monday I had realised that I was scared of everything and the therapist talked to me about it. Then going down the coast on Wednesday pushed open the door that was unlocked on Monday.

I’m finding this book really helpful.

I think about the excuses I used to make. For not going to the beach it’ll be things like I don’t like getting my feet sandy, or wet, or both. Or getting sand in my car (I was a var cleaner for almost 20 years, sand is a nightmare to get out of a cars carpets), but that doesn’t matter. It’s just sand. It was fear defeating me.

Even simple things like sitting in my garden to write or read. I wouldn’t do it, it would rarely even enter my head. The last couple of mornings I’ve made a cuppa tea and then gone out and had my tea while writing my thoughts done as the dog is running around doing his business.

This morning I was sitting there in shorts, t shirt, a hoodie and my sandals. I had Max jump up on the seat next to me as I wrote. It was chilly this morning. We’re moving into autumn here in the UK (almost halloween season!!!!!), so the weather is cooling and after a while I did retreat into the house. I am going to keep going out there till the weather is too brisk for my taste.

One of the fears I’ve had the last few days is that I wouldn’t be able to sit and writer as freely inside as I have been outside, but I managed to do it okay today. I’m not sure I can write like that when I’ve got loved ones around me, simply because of the distraction but I’ll give it a go at some point.

My fear seems to be focused on failure or disaster. If I drive somewhere I could be in a crash. But that could happen driving to work. It doesn’t stop me doing that. Yes, I could crash but the odds are massive of that happening.

As for failure. Well, it’s a case ‘well what happens if my book doesn’t do well?’ that’s something I can’t control. The best thing I can do it write the next story. If I play online and join a group doing a team mission and I screw up, what’s it matter? It’s not the end of the world. Learn the lessons from it and try again.

I only fail when I don’t try. When fear stops me. I’ve lived in a state of fear my whole life.

I’m not doing it anymore.

My eyes are open, I’m realising what I can do to move forward and over come this fear.

I’m going to do what scares me. I’m not fearing the anxiety I used to.

I am moving forward.

Good Morning, 25th July 2021

A very early good morning from here in the UK. Seeing as I couldn’t sleep I thought I’d be productive and get a few words down. I’m also hoping it all wipes me out and once this post is written and I put my head down I drift off easily.

I have written 1111 words on a short story about a serial killer. I feel the story is going well, although I’m not really sure where it’s going. I’m letting the story tell me where it wants to go, which is a little frustrating but also quite fun.

When the sun is up I’ve got some beta readers notes to look at and then I’ll be doing the out loud red pen pass on Penal Earth. I’m going to set myself an easy target, maybe ten pages. I may do more, depending on how I feel and how my voice holds out.

Right, I’m going to try and sleep! I hope everyone reading this is having a fantastic weekend!

Good Morning, Sunday 6th of June 2021

Good morning! Yesterday I wrote 1105 words on my bounty hunter story. It’s nice having a 1st draft of this story done, and hopefully I’ve now got a fantastic feel for it and come the second draft I can get the theme and tone set throughout the whole of the story.

Something I’ve found, and I think I’ve said here before, is that I always have a better day when I get some word wrangling done before I start my day properly. Not very easy when I have an early like I do today, but we have to adjust to life as it comes.

As a rule if I’m working on a Sunday it’s a nine to ten hour day, and I’m not likely to get much done on those days. But that’s on me to figure out how I can do that. Today is going to be a test of that.

Right, that’s enough jabbering today. I hope you all have an awesome day.

Another awesome notebook 😎