Travel

Brighton, January 2023

Peter Germany Life, Lifestyle, Men’s Mental Health, Mental Health , , , , , , ,

It’s the night before my first overnight trip on my own. Yes, I’m a forty year old man who’s never really got anywhere. More on that later though. I’m a touch anxious about it, but also looking forward to it. I’ve spent a little too much time gaming today, which is an indication of my anxiety. It’s not been a crippling anxiety like it has been in the past. I’m not packed yet. There’s not a lot to pack to be honest, it’s only two nights. Side note, I’m struggling with writing with a pen tonight, I cut my finger the other day, and I’ve got a cat demanding attention, and I should really get my head down as it’s well past midnight. But my anxiety is a little up so I need to try and relax a little.

Sorry Raven, you can’t come

Well, I’ve been here about half an hour. I’ve unpacked and got myself sorted out. The is nice, but looks out onto the small carpark, but it also looks out onto playing fields across the road. The room is a nice size and the bed feels comfy. I think I’m going to write for a little while and them take a stroll into town for something to eat. Then back to my room for a little more writing and then flaking out. My anxiety is a little high at the moment but I kind of expect that.

I’ve decided to eat in the hotel as my anxiety is a little higher than I was ready for, and I didn’t feel like going and looking for somewhere to eat. Although I am looking forward to exploring the town tomorrow I don’t fancy doing it in the dark. And not for nothing, I like being in of an evening. I like my feet up and watching TV, or gaming, or doing a little writing work. I don’t mind the odd night out, but it’s not a big part of my life. This evening I’m looking forward to something like a burger, a shower. Then feet up and a movie. Maybe a little writing work as well. Sounds good to me.

The food at the hotel was good, a damn tasty bacon and cheese burger with chips. It went down well and filled me up nicely.

I’m just about to settle in for the night. I’ve got a fair bit of work for last years NaNoWriMo project (War Child) done. I’ve tried to do a little work on a Penal Earth story but I can’t get it rolling. I’ve not got a hook for it and I’ve tried a fair few times to get it off the ground. So I think this might be an idea that has nowhere to go.

I didn’t sleep too well, which I was kinda expecting. When my anxiety spikes sleep tends to be something that suffers. But I didn’t have to get up so early, so I rolled out of bed at a little after 9am. My plan for the day is the Sea Life centre and a wonder around the sea front and the lanes. Grab something to eat, and get writing. Then dive into a couple of movies.

I’ve taken a steady stroll down to Brighton sea front. It’s pretty much a straight shot from my hotel, and damn I saw some groovy looking buildings.

I tell you what, the moment that salty sea air hits, the sound of the waves crashing in. It hits and damn I can’t stop smiling.

The old pier
I’ve got no idea, but I dig it.
The sea was very rough.
Yes, that’s me smiling ☺️

I’ve had a little stroll along the sea front before coming into the Sea Life Centre. That’s where I am now, sitting and just writing a few thoughts down. Just kind of taking it all in.

I liked the lighting and the vibe in generally, although the music playing was a little loud for my taste.

You forget how big some fish are, well I had anyway. I think the staff are about to feed the tank where the dog fish are. I love dog fish, I remember learning a lot about them when I was at boarding school. I think they were the start of my fascination with sharks. Nah, it looks like they’re just putting in live plants. Very interesting though, it’s a little insight into the way it’s all run.

You forget how big some fish are, well I had anyway.

The rays are cool, I love the way they move. And damn, those doggies are super awesome. None of the fish seem at all bothered by the dude walking around the tank in the waders.

Look carefully, leaf cutter ant ☺️ love these little creatures.
I think the numbers were like, for when they race 🤷‍♂️😂

I’m currently just sitting down for something to eat. I continued walking through the aquarium but when I got to the tunnel I was knocked off my feet. There are Giant Groupers, at least two Sea Turtles, and Black Tip Reef Sharks!!! This blew my mind big time, I didn’t know they had the turtles or the sharks here. I think I probably sat and watched them for a good twenty minutes before it really hit home that I was looking at such majestic creatures. Sharks have been on this planet so long and have evolved into a nigh on perfect example of an apex predator. I never expected to see Black Tips with my own eyes, let alone be so close to them. The way they move through the water is almost hypnotic. It looks so effortless, which I know it isn’t. It’s like breathing, they just do it. It was mesmerising.

Watching the turtles gliding through the water is pretty calming as well. I thought there was only one, but the second swam over my head as I was watching the first. Yes, I ducked! It scared the crap outta me! Like the sharks they move effortlessly, but unlike the Black Tips they seem to glide freely. With no care in the world. You know the sharks are hunting.

The rest of the centre was good and after a little time in the gift shop I headed back out to the sea front.

I found Nemo!

I strolled along the pier, being battered in the wind, stopping occasionally to lean on the railings and watch the waves rolling to a crash on the pebble-covered beach. I can’t remember the last time I was on a pier. I love the concept of them, being away from the shore, without getting wet or being on a boat. It’s soothing looking at the waves running in. The sea is really rough today, and it is beautiful.

After the pier I strolled along the sea front towards the old pier. I had a little wonder why the council had never torn it down. Okay, the logistics of doing it, with it being out at sea is probably a headache, but I’d reckon it’s also a sweet spot for wildlife. From where I was on the sea front I could see a number of birds hanging out on it. I want to say there was seagulls, with some cormorants. As well as a few that I couldn’t take a guess at, but I don’t want to say for sure. I’m curious to know what’s happening beneath the waves. I’m glad I did walk along the sea front to see the old pier. It should be an eyesore, but the skeletal remains are strangely beautiful.

I don’t know if piers still get built. It’s a shame if they don’t because quite simply, I think they’re cool.

I walked a bit further before turning and doubling back. That was when the rain hit. As I’ve said, it’s the middle of winter here in the UK, so seasonal weather is to be expected. The was strong throughout my stay but the rain didn’t come in till early afternoon on that second day. The wind had began to give me a touch of a headache and I was very nearly ready to make my way back to the hotel, but I wanted to eat out so I had a look at a few restaurants but being out of season there wasn’t many open, and those that were didn’t get my tastebuds going. Eventually I went to the Harvester above the Sea Life Centre. I went for gammon steak and an ice cream sundae for dessert. I’m not a huge fan of gammon, but do enjoy it once in a while and this piece of gammon was perfectly cooked.

I have mixed thoughts….

After eating I made my way back to the hotel. I did want to explore The Lanes, but more rain was forecast so I decided to call it a day.

I did get overwhelmed a few times, a little anger crept in as well. Anger at letting fear and anxiety destroy me for so many years. It’s taken a bit of time to get myself to the point where I can get away for a few days. I’m so glad I’ve done it. I’m working on breaking out of the safe path I’ve kept to, and this is just another step off that safe path.

I’m just about to hop in the shower. Then I’m going to watch a movie or two to dive into. Checkout is at 12pm tomorrow but I’m planning on leaving about 11am.

I rolled out of bed at about 9:30 after another night of bad sleep. It’s just a case of not being in my bed. Considering how tired I was yesterday and I didn’t just nod off shows how being in a different environment affects my anxiety levels. Hopefully as I do this more that will ease. Looking out the window the rain is hammering it down, the wind is howling one minute and then easing off another. I love driving in this sort of weather conditions. I love the challenge it provides.

After being home for a few hours and sorting my stuff out I haven’t really had time to process the feelings that I’ve had over the last couple of days. I’m feeling good overall about it. Escaping this cage I’ve built for myself is going to take some time to break free from. These few days away, may not seem like much but it took a lot for me to book it and have those days on my own. It was a big step for me.

I don’t remember seeing this hotel advertised online….

There are a lot of things I need to unpack, and I’m not just talking about luggage. Lots of things I didn’t really think about before hand. I ate in a restaurant, not a fast food place by myself and I didn’t feel self-conscious about it. I walked around a town I barely know, well the seafront really. But I just wondered. I love the seaside, it feels natural. I think that’s why I spent most of the day on the seafront.

There’s a lot of things that I have been working through since I had those few days away. I should of written this post up weeks ago, but lots going on. But, it’s given me time to work some of it all out. Some still needs work, but the one that really sits hard is that I’ve lost so much time. Well over twenty years I let my fear and anxiety keep me locked inside my head. No more.

January 2023 Reflections

Peter Germany Cat, Editing, Health, Horror, Horror Writer, Life, Lifestyle, Men’s Mental Health, Mental Health, Preparation, Sci-Fi, Travel, Writing , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

January wasn’t a bad month, I wrote 5448 words, and edited 51758 words.

I realised I needed a lot more background work on War Child before I can move forward with it. So I decided to go back to Black Blood while I start building what I need to progress on War Child. Because I’ve had a somewhat busy and interesting month I’ve not done as much on War Child, or writing work in general, as I’d have liked. But it’s not been disappointing though, it’s given me time to let War Child simmer nicely, let ideas grow naturally. I think that element has been very helpful in that I haven’t just rushed through it and made a pigs ear out of it all.

The edit on Black Blood is not overly taxing. For the most part it is just going through and taking out any little spelling and grammar errors. This will be my final pass on Black Blood before it’s shelved until I have the money to get it edited. It’s behind Penal Earth in that queue.

Not quite what I was hoping for, but still enjoyed it.

On a personal note, I had some good news which came near the end of the month. I broke out of my fear-built cocoon and got away for a couple of days, I’ll have a post about that soon. I feel like I’ve had some good mental and emotional growth, and have made some interesting self-realised revelations about myself. Which, honestly, I’m still working on figuring out.

Selfie while in Brighton

But I tell you what, it feels good.

Breaking Away From Fear and Anxiety

Peter Germany Health, Insperation, Life, Lifestyle, Mental Health, Travel , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Today I went to where my old boarding school at Dumpton Gap is. I wasn’t planning on documenting the experience at all let alone as I did, which is why it might seem to start suddenly. I’m going to write it verbatim, as I wrote it. I hope you all enjoy it.

As I sit here on the concrete water break thing I have a desire to go and walk through the surf, bare feet. I have the urge to go into the English Channel up to my waist. Up to my chin even. I didn’t bring a swimsuit. I don’t even own one that fits. I don’t even have a towel!

What I could see of my old school.

I have no reason to be scared of the sea. I do fear open water. The sort of water that my feet will never touch never be able to touch the bottom. I’ll never go too deep in the water. Chin deep, no. but waist deep, why not?

For today I’ll sit here and drink this can of Pepsi Max. I’ll let the breeze off the sea wash over me, giving me that hit of sea air salty sea air I remember from so strongly from childhood.

It’s emotional sitting here. Seeing my old school abandoned and left to crumble is heart breaking. My two years there changed my life in many ways. Most of which I hadn’t haven’t even realised yet.

If I had the money I’d buy it and makin make it into a retreat and a centre for young people. That’s a pipe dream though. In this world of raping our heritage it will likely be torn down and an ugly block of flats built that doesn’t fit.

On a clear day we’d look for France on the horizon. Today it’s a clear, beautiful day but I can’t see our European neighbour. I see Haze. I’ll be buying some binoculars, a beach towel and some swim shorts for my next visit to the coast.

I am going to go into Broadstairs, but I’ll take a gentle drive and save the walk along the beach front for another day. I can feel wisps of anxiety creeping in, in and I don’t want to push myself too hard.

This is so much more overwhelming than I thought it was going to be. The salt air, the sound of the waves gently crashing in. The wind across my bare skin. The beautify of it. Why did I allow fear to stop me ex exploring this for so long?

I finally get the courage to sit on the breakfront. My hands are shaking and I need to pee, but the wave splashing mere feet from my feet occasionally splash on my legs and it feels good.

I only realise now how crippling this irrational fear had been.

The water in my eye I tell myself the tears in my eyes are because of the breeze but I know that’s a lie. Its emotionally overwhelming.

I get the best view of my old school from here. Such a beautiful building. The one that replaced it, I drove by. I’m sure its very good and but it lacks the character of Gap House.

I’d forgot how the sea could be two different beautiful colours.

Sitting in my car I see seagulls atop the roof of Gap House. Its character is still there. A lack of maintenance, no care for it will ever erase that.

I’m going to take a slow drive into Broadstairs town now. Curious for the memories and emotions that’ll conjure.

Does this qualify as a pilgrimage?

The beach is called Dumpton Gap. This is my second stop in as many minutes since I pulled away from where I was parked.

I couldn’t park in Broadstairs. So I drove back to Dumpton Bay, having decided to walk along the seafront.

I have a yearning to be here. For the sound of the sea and that salty sea air. Even the raucous seagulls. My parents go on holiday to Paignton each year. my dad spent a small part of his childhood there. I thin kI understand why he is drawn back there now.

Is this where I belong? on the coast? Id This feels like somewhere I shoaled be striving to end up.

Time to walk the short walk into Broadstairs.

Those two shades of colour of the water, the greener of the two seems to be where the bay begins. I’m sure theres a scientific reason for this. for me its just beautiful.

This time down here I look at the haze on the horizon and can just see darker shapes. Is this France? or boats.

Is this just nostalgia? or is this where I belong.

I walk along the top of the sea break. Yes there is fear a section of concrete will break away and I fall, but I was sitting on it not that long ago. I know the chances of it breaking are slim to nothing. I walk along it in the hope of the surf splashing up.

I remember walking along here when I was young. With fellow students, teachers and house parents. The older children could walk into Broadstairs town without adults but in at least pairs. Not along the beach though. We had to have an adult with us if we went onto the beach front.

It feels good being out in this air. This is not a million miles away. It’s a simple drive. There is nothing except my own fear holding me back.

This overwhelming but it feels good.

I’m craving the sand between my toes. The sea water on my feet and around my ankles. I must be able to find a beach towel somewhere. I know I don’t need one but I feel like I do.

As I approach Broadstairs town and beach it strikes me me how I’ve just walked a walk I haven’t done since I was eleven. That’s 28 years ago. I wouldn’t have been able to do this even three weeks ago.

I’m looking at hotels and wondering what their rates are. I need more time down here.

Walking on sand in trainers remembering how different it is to walk on. On the walk back I will be barefoot.

I always forget how big, and arrogant seagulls are.

I’m full of regrets and a little anger at not having done this before now. Of not exploring more.I’ve been saying for years I want to get out more, see more of the UK to start with. Realising how much fear and anxiety has held me back, that I’ve allowed to hold me back, hurts. But I’m not letting this sour the day. This is fuelling the urge to get out. The more I can do this, the more I overcome these fears that have no reason to exist.

The next time I come to Broadstairs I will park at Dumpton Gap and make the walk. It’s good for my soul.

This feeling is alien to me. My head should be screaming at me to flee, get back to my car and get home as quickly as I can. Even the fact my car is a ways away should fill me with anxiety. It’s not though. This calmness, this peace isn’t alien. It’s what I should be feeling. Not fear and anxiety.

I don’t find a beach towel, but I do walk through the sand barefoot. The sand is cold in the shade and hot, but not unbearable, in the sun.

I almost walk back along the concrete barefoot but it’s just a little too harsh for comfort.

I’m looking forward to the walk back. From Dumpton Gap to Bay to Viking Bay, and back again.

I’ve brought trinkets and notebooks (they had awesome notebooks!) in th a couple of the shops at Viking Bay. I spend a few minutes w off the seafront in the town, but not long.

As I start my walk back I realise the tide is slowly going out. I stop to watch th as seagulls skim the surface of the with a precision that I can’t comprehend.

The seaweed is so pretty as the retreating tide exposes it.

I watch the people swimming and admire them. I we don’t think I’ll ever be brave enough or a strong enough swimmer to do that. I’m okay with this.

Is promenade the right word for this concrete path? It seems to fit but I’ll look it up later.

As I walk back to my car I feel I’m walking a little quicker. Not much but just that bit faster. I don’t think it’s anxiety. I think it’s where that feeling of being overwhelmed is softening. There’s been times where I’m feeling almost fuzzy headed. So much to feel. So much to take in. I think It’s going to be a few days at least as I’m processing all this.

Maybe this quicker pace is an urge to get home? I think my mind, mind body, and soul are ready to be in my safe space again. I’m not panicking though. There’s no tightening in my chest. No thumping heart. I’m just ready to take a nice and steady drive home.

Thinking of driving I realise I wasn’t nervous or anxious or scared driving down. This pleases me.

It has struck home just how much I’ve let fear and anxiety ruin me and my life. I’m not going to dwell on it though. I’m not going to let it fester.

My brother has inflatable canoes. Maybe we could bring them down here one day.

This urge to go home isn’t stopping me from stopping and writing my thoughts down.

I hadn’t planned to document they but I had that need to. I’m glad I brought my bag with notebook and pen. Although I haven’t touched my iPad of the book I brought with me.

Money is tight at the moment. But I can afford the fuel and I had a small budget that I’ve stuck to. I’ll be more prepared next beach trip.

I’ve always had a fascination with the sea. I wish I hadn’t let my fears suffocate that.

I haven’t spoken to many people. I regret this but thats something hat will come with more time and exploration.

I feel a little silly and weak with what I’ve felt today. Even sillier for realising just how much I’ve let fear and anxiety ruin my life.

I set out today with only a vague feeling that I needed to do this. I didn’t know what I was hoping for. What I’ve discovered is likely just the tip of the iceberg.

As I sit on this bench, my car a couple of hundred yards away, I’m fearing that I’ll loose this urge ability to act on the urge to explore. That the fear and anxiety will take it from me again. I can not let that happen.

This was something I had to do on my own. I’d like to these with someone else to share the experience, but somethings I need to brave on my own. To build my confidence.

I’ve stopped at a services close to home. I should have stopped sooner, got a drink as I haven’t drank or eaten enough today. But I did go over my budget a little and I’m close enough to home not to worry about it.

I haven’t been watching the clock on the sat nav on this journey. Not long ago I would have done. I can feel anxiety, but it doesn’t feel as dominating as it used to be.

Now I’m home and reflecting on the day I feel more determined that ever to continue this exploration. Yes, summer is almost over but that’s not going to stop me.

Today was a hard hit. A hard realisation of all the time I’ve lost. Now’s the moment to make sure I don’t feel this way in twenty years time.