Realising The Fear

Wednesday really did open my eyes up to a lot of myself. One of which was writing my thoughts down. This is something I’ve known I’ve wanted to do for a long time but I’ve never been able to do it. I’m not really sure why but I think it might be a combination of the new medication I’m on, I’m having a little therapy, and it feels like something broke or changed in me on Wednesday.

Realising just how much fear and anxiety have ruled my life has been devastating in one degree, but freeing in another.

Fear was something we touched on in therapy on Monday, and I’m glad we did. The therapist recommended a book about fear that I listened to a big chunk of on the journey to and from the coast on Wednesday. And I think where it was something that we’d spoken about on the Monday I had realised that I was scared of everything and the therapist talked to me about it. Then going down the coast on Wednesday pushed open the door that was unlocked on Monday.

I’m finding this book really helpful.

I think about the excuses I used to make. For not going to the beach it’ll be things like I don’t like getting my feet sandy, or wet, or both. Or getting sand in my car (I was a var cleaner for almost 20 years, sand is a nightmare to get out of a cars carpets), but that doesn’t matter. It’s just sand. It was fear defeating me.

Even simple things like sitting in my garden to write or read. I wouldn’t do it, it would rarely even enter my head. The last couple of mornings I’ve made a cuppa tea and then gone out and had my tea while writing my thoughts done as the dog is running around doing his business.

This morning I was sitting there in shorts, t shirt, a hoodie and my sandals. I had Max jump up on the seat next to me as I wrote. It was chilly this morning. We’re moving into autumn here in the UK (almost halloween season!!!!!), so the weather is cooling and after a while I did retreat into the house. I am going to keep going out there till the weather is too brisk for my taste.

One of the fears I’ve had the last few days is that I wouldn’t be able to sit and writer as freely inside as I have been outside, but I managed to do it okay today. I’m not sure I can write like that when I’ve got loved ones around me, simply because of the distraction but I’ll give it a go at some point.

My fear seems to be focused on failure or disaster. If I drive somewhere I could be in a crash. But that could happen driving to work. It doesn’t stop me doing that. Yes, I could crash but the odds are massive of that happening.

As for failure. Well, it’s a case ‘well what happens if my book doesn’t do well?’ that’s something I can’t control. The best thing I can do it write the next story. If I play online and join a group doing a team mission and I screw up, what’s it matter? It’s not the end of the world. Learn the lessons from it and try again.

I only fail when I don’t try. When fear stops me. I’ve lived in a state of fear my whole life.

I’m not doing it anymore.

My eyes are open, I’m realising what I can do to move forward and over come this fear.

I’m going to do what scares me. I’m not fearing the anxiety I used to.

I am moving forward.

11th of September 2021

Good evening, folks!

Well, I think I did have the productive day I was aiming for.

I got up at a decent time, made tea and sat in the chilly morning air in the garden wand wrote some more thoughts down. I’ll put those in another post. After the tea and morning thoughts I ran into town for a few bits for my folks. I finally got Max a couple more balls for him to chase around the garden.

I got some writing administration work done, then I got stuck into some words. A nice 710 was written on a short story. Then I gamed, took Max for a walk, read, then gamed, dinner, washing up, and now I’m watching a movie and writing this post.

I don’t normally break my days down like this, and looking back it doesn’t feel like I’ve done a lot today but that’s because I only wrote 710 words. I keep reminding myself its not just about words. It’s about progression of the story, and I progressed the story today.

I’ve got plans tomorrow afternoon, but in the morning I’m going to try and get some words wrangled again. I was planning on getting a lot of writing done this week, but I’ve spent the week working on myself. It’s been freeing this week, and I need to keep that forward progression of myself as well as my fiction going as well.

10/9/21

Good evening, folks!

I managed to write 417 words this afternoon. I’ve put writing on the back burner this week while I’ve been off work, and focused on a lot of self-care and improvement. it finally feels like I can start opening up about a lot of things and I’m keen to keep going with it.

I will be blogging about a lot of this stuff. Not all, obviously. There’s somethings I have no intention of sharing publicly but I’ve got a lot I think I will share. Men aren’t mean to show weakness, which is bullshit. If me opening up about the struggles I’ve had in life help others feel confident enough to speak up and ask for help then it’s all worth it.

Right, I’m just settling into a movie. I’m going to try and have a ‘get shit done’ day tomorrow. Check back here tomorrow to see how I got along.

Rock on, folks!

Max not helping me write 🙄

9th August 2021

Good evening, folks! How are we all doing today?

I’ve not done any writing today, but have been seeing to a few other bits and bobs. Spent some time in the garden as well this afternoon.

I am suffering some sunburn from yesterday! And I’ve felt quite reflective today as I process all the emotions of that day. I’m feeling good overall though. I feel like I’ve got a bit of a bounce in my step and I’m feeling more settled. And I dare say when I was in town I felt a wisp of confidence tickle itself through me. Self-confidence is something I’m eager to work on and build up more. Each day I’m feeling better in myself. I’ve not felt this calm in as long as I can remember. I feel more capable than I have in a long time as well.

Our sorry looking sunflower (with photobomb from Max).

I’m just feeling good! I’m a little scared this energy is going to seep away again, but I’m learning new ways each day to keep my mindset strong.

Right, that’s all for today. I hope you’ve all had an awesome day! And I’ll be back tomorrow.

Be kind.

I little mouse I disturbed when I moved a piece of corrugated steel. Well, there was like half a dozen of them but this poor little one was the only one who hid like this.

Working On Self-Care

This coming week I’m off from work. So I’m going to try and have a productive week. I’ve got non-writing bits and bobs to do but I’m going to have a nice few hours to get some work done. Relaxing and some self-care is a priority this week.

I’m liking where my head is. The new medication is working well and I’m feeling better than I can ever remember feeling since childhood. I’m still having rough moments, but I’m handling them and feel like I’m managing my emotions well. I’m finding doing some gaming is helping, but I’m being thoughtful and not letting it become a negative. I’m playing a lot of Grand Theft Auto V online, which used to have moments when I’d feel like screaming (normally trolls), but playing it now I’m not only not getting stressed out while playing it I’m pushing myself and exploring more of the features. I’m still not fond of doing missions but I’m getting businesses running and being proactive about making money! When I game I turn off from everything else pretty much, which I find helps once in a while.

I am planning on getting out and about, visiting places I’ve always wanted to go to but was always defeated by my anxiety. I’ve got a few hurdles in the way still, but I’m working on it.

Diet wise I’m trying to be more thoughtful about what I’m putting into my body. I’m not doing as well with my lust for sugar, but It’s something I’m conscious of. I think I mentioned in my post about hating my body about being heavier now than I’ve ever been. I know I’m not huge, but I’d like to loose a bit of weight and get back to where I was.

I do like my energy drinks a little too much, that I am pleased to say I’ve got a nice handle on. I’ll admit I had one today but that’s the first I’ve had in a few days. I’m also drinking less cola and more squash.

Getting a little fitter is a thought as well. I’m going to start walking. I’ve got some great scenery around me so why not enjoy it more. I’m sure Max the doggo wouldn’t be against this!

I’m also getting my head back into reading again. I’ve finished two books that I’ve been reading for far too long in teh last month and feel like I’m getting back into the habit nicely.

Sleep is still a struggle (overlaid and was almost late for work today!), but I’m working on sleep hygiene and making my sleeping environment much more calming.

I’d like to talk more about my mental health journey on here. Where I’m not feeling as anxious about it I feel able to open up about certain elements of it. I don’t often see men talking about mental health. I think it’s this sense that we’re seen as weak if we do, or that it’s just not done. That’s one of the reasons why I never used to talk about. Men don’t talk about their health, especially mental health. I think that’s why male suicide is so high, because we bottle it up and then we can’t take anymore and it all explodes and we can’t handle it. I’ve had brief suicidal thoughts. I say brief because I’d have the thought and then I’d immediately shut it down.

Embracing my whimsy more ☺️

Don’t be scared to ask for help. There are organisations out there to help. Like many, I can’t afford therapy but thankfully there are organisations who will provide help. Even if it’s not much, it’s a start and you’ll be surprised at how much of a difference a little help from someone who’s been trained can make. Hell, even if it’s the Samaritans it’s worth calling.

Each day is a small step. Some times its day by day, and as a friend said tonight, sometimes it’s an hour by hour. Reach out for help, speak to a friend who you trust, who will be sympathetic. Men, women, non-binary’s, don’t hold it in. It only makes it worse.

Remember, it can always get better. It just takes patience and work.

14th August 2021

My aim to write a blog post every day this month have well and truthfully gone out the window! But hey ho, there’s always next month!

Aside from yesterday I’ve written each day. With a lovely 1895 words today which took me over the 10k mark. I like the way the mermaid story is coming together. It’s still all over the place but connecting the scenes later will be fun (I hope).

I’m working on more self care than I have lately. The more content and settled I am the more I get done the happier I am in myself. Today’s been a great example of that. I was able to do something I’ve always seemed to hold off from doing. I’ve wanted to sit out in my garden and write for years. Today I did it, I sat out there for a couple of hours. Earphones in, words being wrangled. It was nice and peaceful. I’m going to try and do it more often. I like my office, but a change in scenery was much needed.

Right folks, time to wrap for the night. I watched the 2009 remake of Friday The 13th last night, and am currently watching Freddy Vs Jason. After that, another slasher one I think.

Good night folks, rock on and make those dreams reality.

22nd of July 2021

Good morning, folks!

I’ve not started writing yet, got a tip run to do this morning so need to load the car up first. Then I’ve got an errand or two to run. Then I’ll get a little writing done.

I’ve got beta notes to work on for the kidnapping story, and I need to start the out loud read of Penal Earth.

So, a busy day ahead. Should be good for the body and soul though.

Max says it’s too hot already!

Good Evening, 17th of July 2021

Hey folks, how are we all doing tonight?

I wrote 700 and something words and edited maybe 500 on a low writing day. Tomorrow will be another low writing day as I’ve got a long work day.

This next two weeks or so. Well to the end of the month I know exactly what I want to do. Basically doing an out loud read through of three stories which are all but done. Then I’ll get them sent off to beta readers and then off to editors when I’ve got the money.

Cute Doggo!

Speaking of money, this is the link to my Buy Me A Coffee page. Here you can make a contribution to my writing fund. Any funds I receive go straight to my editing and cover art fund. I do work and put money from my day job into writing, but any additional funds I get I’m super happy for. I understand times are tough, and I’m not going to put this in every post. But a little reminder once in a while doesn’t hurt.

And you know what, all my posts there are free to read! So go and have a look. I do post different content there than I do here. So, it’s worth a look I think.

Right, I’m off! I hope you’re all having a fantastic weekend!

Good Evening, 21st of February 2021

Hey Folks, I hope everyone is well?

Today I managed to write 1384 on the vampire book, finishing another chapter. I’ve also edited 7686 words on the next episode, which I thought I’d finished writing but I haven’t. So that may be tomorrow’s primary writing exercise. I don’t think it’ll take much, I think I just need to add a few lines and then more onto the next episode. I really do not want to keep rewriting and rewriting. I think I’ve got a good bases to work from with what I’ve already got and that it just needs some major edits and then I think I’m going to be in a good place to get the next draft done as only an edit draft. I’m feeling confident with this story over all, and I like the ideas I’ve got for book two. It’s a rich setting and I’m pretty sure I’ve got something good here.

I didn’t get any work done on Black Blood though. My writing energies were pulled to the vampire stories and when I’ve got that vibe I don’t see the point in forcing myself to work on another project as I don’t have any deadlines that are demanding my focus.

I forgot to mention earlier that my planned socially distanced walk with a friend was cancelled, so I made the most of the day. Tomorrow, I’ve got more time to work, which I’m planning on doing. I’ll be off to bed soon and aim to be up bright and early to get a good start.

Today’s random picture is of Max being a typical Doggo!

12th February 2021

Good evening folks!

Just a quick little post for the day. I pulled a few extra hours at work so am wiped out but I will get a little writing work done this evening. What I’d planned to do today I’ll roll over and do it tomorrow. I’m working Sunday, so I’m not expecting to get a lot done then as it’s an all day shift essentially.

If I fits, I sits! And yes, I knew my picture was being taking so I do a cute! 🤣

I’ve mainly early shifts for the next week or so, so what I’m going to do is try and make sure I’m in bed by ten each night. Then when I finish my shift at about midday I get home, lunch, shower and then work for two hours. Then chill out until 10pm when I get my head down.

Part of chilling out will be reading. So I might stretch lights out till 10:30pm, if I’m reading.

Right, I’m going to get some work done, not sure what project yet but probably on Vampire Era.

I likely won’t blog again tonight, so I hope you’re all good and I’ll be back soon!