Sometimes I sit to write a blog post which isn’t my normal journal entry style that I tend to do. I like to give a little more once in a while, and I’m trying to get better at expressing my opinions. But more often than not I’m sitting looking at a blank screen while I wait for a subject, or even just s few words, to grab me. This post is a prime example. I had a good few minutes of thinking ‘fuck, I’ve got nothing’ but that also happens when I’m writing as well. I’ll look at that blank screen and my mind goes blank.
It’s both bizarre and frustrating at the same time. I know I’ve got the words there but so often they just do not want to play ball. This is where being in a good state of mind helps. If I’m feeling pretty good about myself then I can normally get rolling nicely. It’s when I’m having a bad head day that I struggle.
Thankfully those days and moments are few and far between now. I’ve got enough I can work on that it one idea is flowing well I can dive into another, and I’m finding that brainstorming is really beginning to help when I’ve got nothing coming out when I’m trying to write.
This doesn’t always work, sometimes it’s editing that I can get stuck into, other times nothing helps. But the key is I’m finding more ways to be productive when I’m not able to write.
I’m awake, very awake. That doesn’t mean I’m not tired, I’m beyond tired. Sleep isn’t coming though. Luckily I’ve not got the day job tomorrow, so I’m not having to worry about that.
The thing about be awake at this time of the night is very few people are. I don’t mean globally, and thanks to the internet there is always someone I can chat to as I’m blessed to have made friends all over the planet thanks to writing, and the internet. Where it gets strange is there are no, or very few, cars driving up and down my road. Yeah it’s a little country lane, but we’d still get vehicles coming up and down. There’s always tractors and other farm machinery moving around. We get people walking up and down, some with dogs, others without. Cyclists use the road as well. We get a lot of groups of cyclists that I’m guessing are from local organisations (all seem to forget the rule of riding single file, but that’s a rant for another day).
If someone walks this road tonight they might glance up at the single window illuminated and wonder who is awake, and why they are. They might even seen me (my desk is at my window). Will they have the same thoughts I am? How the hours between midnight and say, 5am, are strange and almost alien. Or are they thinking, ‘look at that muppet’.
I know for some the nighttime hours are not weird. They’re not an alien concept. For them it’s their profession. How many jobs now exist where people work all hours. I don’t just mean the emergency services but I’m thinking about hauliers, taxi drivers, workers fixing roads because at night it’s easier as it’s less impactful on the traffic, Supermarket workers. There’s a whole host of people going to or still at work while the majority of us sleep.
I’m not a city boy, but I’d imagine even the cities and towns which are people say never sleep, still see a drop in activity in these early hours of the morning. We as a species aren’t nocturnal. Some people are, they feel at home when the sun is giving light to the other side of the planet, but for most people their days start when the sun is rising or risen, and end when it takes it’s light away for another day.
I’m going to try and sleep. Writing this post might have pushed me over that tipping point where exhaustion will win out over the reasons why I’m awake.
I’m not feeling as energised as I have been, and I’m writing this much later than yesterday for example. Something I do when I’m at work when customers ask me how I am I’d say ‘I’m good thanks, I’m always good me,’ It gets some laughs and it generally is true. Even when I’m feeling down I’ll try and snap myself out of it, because it doesn’t help anybody. I know it’s easier said than done. If you’ve been following my blog for a while you’ll know I was finding things very difficult last summer, and it’s been a journey and a half to get to where I am now, and its a journey that will never have a destination. Because I learn and grow with each day, each challenge. I’m not letting myself hold me back any longer.
We have the potential to be great. Both on an individual level and as a species. Now, with the state of humanity in this day and age I think it’s going to be difficult for us to achieve that greatness, but as individuals. There’s nothing stopping us. Even when we get knocked down, we get up, and brush ourselves off.
On a recent episode of the Mando Method Armand Rosamilia said about me that I’m always moving forward, even when I’m taking steps back I’m moving forward. That’s what we all need to be trying to do. If we have to take a few steps back, its not a defeat, its a way of moving forward because we might not be quite ready for that next step. It’s like the timing of a pass in a football game. If you play it too early the recipient might not be in a prime position to take a shot. Sometimes stepping back is about being patient.
Right, I’m going to get a little writing/editing done before the day job. I hope you all have a great day, folks!
Thinking about the goals I wrote down yesterday something has struck me today; I need to learn how to make the most of my time. I’ve talked briefly about this before, but it really is something I need to master. The next few months I’m going to be trying to optimise my time. Between work, writing, family, friends, and downtime I need to be productive when I have the time. Something I’ve recently written on my dry/erase board above my desk is ‘Make Writing Time Sacred’. This is something I definitely need reminding of. To try and make that happen is that when I’m sprinting (writing intensely for a set period of time) not to do anything else. Just write. I’m getting better at that, especially when I don’t have much time available. Very little can’t wait twenty minutes. If its an emergency, I’ll respond but how often do we really have emergencies?
I’m exercising the same mentality with blog posts. I’ve got notifications I need to respond to, but they can wait. Don’t get me wrong, if its a private message I’ll respond between paragraphs, but I don’t want to stop mid paragraph.
Something I am good at is procrastinating. If it were an olympic sport, I’ve be wearing the fucking gold medal! I would be the world record holder and destroy all who come to take my crown, but am I like that anymore? No, I don’t think so. I’m getting my butt in the chair a lot more than I used to. Even though I’m blogging from my bed right now, with a movie on, I’m trying to do all my work from my desk in my office. That’s what it’s there for, and I write more. I write more when I’m working from my desktop (when it wants to work which isn’t often, I do need to get it checked out, but when I have the cash).
The office is a work environment. It’s got fewer distractions, and it’s set up to work. I can write anywhere, but it’s so much easier having that space to write. I can shut the door and get cracking. I’ve got all my notebooks, printer, and very little non-writing items in there.
I’ve got my wardrobe in there, which I’ve got covered with pictures of my loved ones. It’s the first thing I see when I walk into the room and it’s an instant inspiration. They help drive me but it’s not just that which is pushing me forward. I’ve had both the worst and best year of my life. Because of the worst I’ve finally addressed my mental health and the help I’ve got for that, along with great support from my loved ones and professionals has meant I’m feeling more focussed and capable now. I would never have been able to think about my goals for next year in the way that I have done without these changes in my life.
What I’ve learnt the most is that I dictate my moods. If I’m feeling down, I now know how to pull myself up. If I can’t do it myself, then I can reach out to loved ones and they help me out of it. We can’t control what happens around us, but we can control how we react to it.
This post went way off in a direction I wasn’t expecting! But I hope you enjoyed my rambling!
It is 7:46am and I’m up and have a cup of tea and a laptop on my lap. I had planned to have a lay in but my back decided to scupper that idea, yeah….. I’m getting old!
But anyway, nothing worked on yesterday. After work I had errands to run and a couple of phone calls to make and then, and yeah I’m gonna say it, I binge watch the new Transformers series on Netflix. I needed a little downtime as well if I’m honest. I needed to shut down for a few hours, and although I didn’t get lost into the series as I’d have liked to of done I did a little, and that took a little pressure off me. Even if it was just for a few moments it helped.
I’m feeling pumped at the moment. I feel like I’m getting back into the rhythm of getting writing done. I still need some more focus and start thinking forward a little. I vaguely know what I’m going to be doing in the next few months but I need to start trying to figure out a plan going forward. What do I want from the next eighteen months? How the hell do I even figure out how to plan that out? It’s something I’ve been thinking on, and will until I have an answer.
This next few months are very vital to where I want my writing to be. I need to figure my track out and get on it and know where I want to be and what I’ve accomplished in, say eighteen months time. I need to work out what I’m capable of achieving in that time.
I have no idea how to do that, I’m taking to a few people. Seeing what guidance I can get and formulating a plan from there.
That’s a wrap, folks. I’m going to get cracking with my day. Have a good one folks.
(If you want an idea of how my mind is a little scattered at the moment, how I’m struggling to keep focus then look at the time stamp at the start of the post, and it’s now 9:28am).
It struck me recently as I was watching Terminator 2 that I put Mini Guns into pretty much anything that I can and that it was the influence of this film and the movie Predator that gave me this fascination with this weapon. This got me thinking about what else I may have picked up during my life that comes out when I write, although I suspect this may only become obvious once I’ve had my work read by a few people.
This is a thought that has been running through my head and I suppose I like to put loyal and honest characters in my writing. I like putting certain vehicles in as well. Having worked in the second hand car trade for the last fourteen years I’ve picked up on what generally is a good car and the types of car that I like tend to be reflected in some of my protagonist’ vehicles of choice. I mention guns a lot too. In my vampire collection I mention different pistols i.e. Berreta and Glock.
From now on I know I’m going to be looking at what I’m writing and trying to pick out where I’ve put my likes and dislikes into the text, which i suppose is all part of being a writer. We let our preferences come out in our fiction.
has anyone else noticed this in their own writing?
I would not say that I’m an insomniac but I do have a few issues with sleep. Normally it’s a case that I just struggle to drop off when I get my head down. Some nights I’ll lay for what seems like hours before sleeping, and that is normally something I’m okay with. I’ve lived with it for so long I’m use to it. Waking up 3, 4, 5 times a night is something that I am not as used to and it’s what I’m getting at the moment, and it takes it out of me a lot.
This is a time thing though. I’ve been here before and I’m sure that either in a couple of days, a week or two at the most then I’ll be back to normal. Until then I’ll muddle through and adjust as I need to.
A little trick that I have learnt about falling asleep is that I need to relax my mind a little before I try to sleep. Normally a movie or a chapter or two of a book does the trick.
I don’t care, I’m not bothered, I don’t give a f*ck. All of those imply the same thing, the same mentality that humanity seems to be adopting at an accelerating pace. I’ve met a fair few people who say they ‘Call it as it is’ and I think I’ve only met two or three people who did so without being nasty or bitter in their honesty. Most people seem to think its a way of being nasty and getting away with it.
About two years ago I had a car crash (my fault) I had a break up around the same time and a few friendships ended. I was in a dark place and for a while I was close to becoming a ‘I don’t care’ person. That is and never will be me though, I DO CARE. I care about my family, my friends. My Girlfriend Tracie, who I love dearly. I care about my job, I care about my writing. I care about A lot of people and things and that to me is part of who I am.
I can understand people who have been hurt by life and have taken this attitude but I wonder how many people truly do not care in the way they say they do. I’d say there are few people out there who claim to not care but who actually care a lot but it’s part of our culture today. ‘I don’t care’ is part of our vocabulary. I’ll admit I say it, but when I do I normally only say it when talking to Tracie and she knows that something is wrong because she knows how much I hate that mentality.
I do care. I try my best not to say something that could offend, which I do fail sometimes but I’ll always try and put it right.
The less humanity cares, the quicker humanity dies.
With each passing day it seems like the world is moving faster and faster. We want to get from one destination to another in minimal time. Whether it is getting home from work or settling down and having a family. For some people it’s the ambition to get a certain job, or its trying to force a close friendship with someone.
When I’m driving I notice how people race the red light (come on we’ve all done it) but racing it is one thing, jumping it is another. We can sit in traffic only for someone to cut into our lane at the last minute.
Standing in a que at the post office and I hear people behind me whining about how long it is taking.
Some people will start dating and within a month they are living together, within six months they have a child on the way. Whatever happened to getting settled with each other, I wonder if this explains why there are so many broken homes in this day and age.
We all want faster Internet, so we can tell the world that we’re at a supermarket…(I don’t think that I have don’t that…….)
We strive to get our dream job as quick as we can, maybe looking for corners to cut because we want to get there as quick as we can.
All this rushing, this running around to get where we’re going quicker is part of life today. It’s the world we live in and without a conscious choice the majority of us have accepted it, but once in a while just Take A Breath. Find somewhere to sit down, a coffee shop, a quiet pub, a park bench. Even a shopping centre there will be somewhere to sit down, but find somewhere quiet and watch the world go by because this constant rush of life only wears us out. Take A Breath and appreciate what you have and enjoy the world around you.