Realising The Fear

Wednesday really did open my eyes up to a lot of myself. One of which was writing my thoughts down. This is something I’ve known I’ve wanted to do for a long time but I’ve never been able to do it. I’m not really sure why but I think it might be a combination of the new medication I’m on, I’m having a little therapy, and it feels like something broke or changed in me on Wednesday.

Realising just how much fear and anxiety have ruled my life has been devastating in one degree, but freeing in another.

Fear was something we touched on in therapy on Monday, and I’m glad we did. The therapist recommended a book about fear that I listened to a big chunk of on the journey to and from the coast on Wednesday. And I think where it was something that we’d spoken about on the Monday I had realised that I was scared of everything and the therapist talked to me about it. Then going down the coast on Wednesday pushed open the door that was unlocked on Monday.

I’m finding this book really helpful.

I think about the excuses I used to make. For not going to the beach it’ll be things like I don’t like getting my feet sandy, or wet, or both. Or getting sand in my car (I was a var cleaner for almost 20 years, sand is a nightmare to get out of a cars carpets), but that doesn’t matter. It’s just sand. It was fear defeating me.

Even simple things like sitting in my garden to write or read. I wouldn’t do it, it would rarely even enter my head. The last couple of mornings I’ve made a cuppa tea and then gone out and had my tea while writing my thoughts done as the dog is running around doing his business.

This morning I was sitting there in shorts, t shirt, a hoodie and my sandals. I had Max jump up on the seat next to me as I wrote. It was chilly this morning. We’re moving into autumn here in the UK (almost halloween season!!!!!), so the weather is cooling and after a while I did retreat into the house. I am going to keep going out there till the weather is too brisk for my taste.

One of the fears I’ve had the last few days is that I wouldn’t be able to sit and writer as freely inside as I have been outside, but I managed to do it okay today. I’m not sure I can write like that when I’ve got loved ones around me, simply because of the distraction but I’ll give it a go at some point.

My fear seems to be focused on failure or disaster. If I drive somewhere I could be in a crash. But that could happen driving to work. It doesn’t stop me doing that. Yes, I could crash but the odds are massive of that happening.

As for failure. Well, it’s a case ‘well what happens if my book doesn’t do well?’ that’s something I can’t control. The best thing I can do it write the next story. If I play online and join a group doing a team mission and I screw up, what’s it matter? It’s not the end of the world. Learn the lessons from it and try again.

I only fail when I don’t try. When fear stops me. I’ve lived in a state of fear my whole life.

I’m not doing it anymore.

My eyes are open, I’m realising what I can do to move forward and over come this fear.

I’m going to do what scares me. I’m not fearing the anxiety I used to.

I am moving forward.

Good Morning, 25th July 2021

A very early good morning from here in the UK. Seeing as I couldn’t sleep I thought I’d be productive and get a few words down. I’m also hoping it all wipes me out and once this post is written and I put my head down I drift off easily.

I have written 1111 words on a short story about a serial killer. I feel the story is going well, although I’m not really sure where it’s going. I’m letting the story tell me where it wants to go, which is a little frustrating but also quite fun.

When the sun is up I’ve got some beta readers notes to look at and then I’ll be doing the out loud red pen pass on Penal Earth. I’m going to set myself an easy target, maybe ten pages. I may do more, depending on how I feel and how my voice holds out.

Right, I’m going to try and sleep! I hope everyone reading this is having a fantastic weekend!

Good Afternoon, 15th July 2021

Hey folks, I ended up writing 1038 words today, and I dived into research for a book I’m preparing for.

After listening to this weeks Mando Method podcast and hearing Armand and Chuck discussing my half year progress, I’ve realised that I am editing too much. It’s time to send my stuff out to beta readers and then editors. I keep striving for perfection but I’m probably too close to it now.

I’ve been editing a lot recently because my brain just isn’t putting the words together. I don’t believe in writers block, professional writers rarely get that from what I’ve heard so I’m not going to spurt it out.

Not at desk, but still doing some work, just not at the same pace! 😁

As I have been struggling with new words I’ve thrown myself into editing and aiming for perfection which will never be achieved, and I can’t improve if others aren’t reading it.

This weeks Mando Method really rammed home I need to get my arse back into the reading. I am struggling with it but I just need to force myself to.

Really hard typing around a cat!

I’m going to do one more pass on Penal Earth, simply because I want to add a couple of little world building details. Black Blood, I’m going to say its done. And not edit it again. With the vamp book, I want to do one more pass through with it. This one was the most messy of the three and I want to make sure I’ve got my continuity right in the story, but also in the writing. This book started off being told from a 1st person point of view and I want to make sure there aren’t any POV tags I’ve missed.

Black Blood will be off to Beta Readers now, and I’ll go from there.

Right, I’m off to do a little more work as I chill out before dinner! Have fun folks!

Good Morning, Sunday 6th of June 2021

Good morning! Yesterday I wrote 1105 words on my bounty hunter story. It’s nice having a 1st draft of this story done, and hopefully I’ve now got a fantastic feel for it and come the second draft I can get the theme and tone set throughout the whole of the story.

Something I’ve found, and I think I’ve said here before, is that I always have a better day when I get some word wrangling done before I start my day properly. Not very easy when I have an early like I do today, but we have to adjust to life as it comes.

As a rule if I’m working on a Sunday it’s a nine to ten hour day, and I’m not likely to get much done on those days. But that’s on me to figure out how I can do that. Today is going to be a test of that.

Right, that’s enough jabbering today. I hope you all have an awesome day.

Another awesome notebook 😎

Panic!

On Saturday while I was at work I put my hand in my thigh pocket and realised my notebook wasn’t in there. Panic followed as the fear of all the notes that are in might possibly be lost would be long gone.

As I was at work I couldn’t take the time to go and search for it so I tried not to stress myself out while I worked. I figured it could only be in a couple of places; at home where I leave my work clothes overnight. Or in my brothers car as he had given me a lift to work that day.

After an hour I managed to get a look in my brothers car and saw the notebook in question. Relieved that the notebook was safe I was able to relax till it was time to go home and I could retrieve it.

It rattled me a little, the thought of loosing so many notes on so many different projects really scared me for those couple of hours that I didn’t know where the book was. It’s not a small book either, so the fact that I didn’t notice it gone bugged me.

The lesson here is that I need to keep a better watch on this notebook in my pocket, make sure the pocket is fastened, and to type up my notes more often than I do at the moment.

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