“I’m always good, me,”

I work at a supermarket and when I’m not on the shop floor I’m on a till. When customers ask me how I am I more often than not I’ll reply with “I’m alright, I’m always good me,”

Even when I’m not okay I say it, and I’ve been thinking about this and the mindset I’ve got growing of seeing the best in life despite what I’m feeling. There are times when I’m feeling down and not as positive as I’d like to be but I still say it.

Some of that is the ‘faking it ’til I make it’ mentality. But what I’m not doing is ignoring what I’m feeling. I’m listening to my body, looking at why I’m feeling like that. This is what I’m doing for all my moods. The more I know and understand what’s going on inside of me; mind, body, soul, the lot. Then I’m going to be able to draw myself to the elements that give me the most positive experience of life.

The biggest element that I’ve noticed which affects my mental health is tiredness. So, that is one of the major parts I’m focussing on improving. I’ve started adjusting my sleep patterns a little, but I think there’s a lot I’ve got to suss out with it. At the moment I’m focussed on getting my head down earlier on nights where I have early shifts. I’m also watching my intake as the day progresses. Definitely no energy drinks after about 3pm, as little sugary snacks after about 7pm (this one I think might be a little harder). I’m trying to wind down my head a little bit as the evening progresses as well. A little less proactive mind, and a little more passive input. Movies, TV, books etc. Gaming does relax me, as does writing and blogging, but those are both pastimes that require proactive thought. Other things are more passive. I can let them enter my mind without them firing up my creative mind too much. Something proactive makes me alert, brains firing and it’s harder to let my mind rest.

Getting good sleep makes all the difficulties of life easier to manage. It makes the fog less thick.

Good Morning! 14th December 2021

This blog post comes to you from a man who isn’t dead tired!

Where I’ve had lots going on recently I’ve not been getting much sleep, and the sleep I have been getting isn’t good sleep. Last night though I was gaming and crashed a car because I nodded off briefly (which in real life can be disastrous). And I decided to get an early night. I was in bed a little after eight with The Simpsons on (something that lets me shut off the constant stream of consciousness, but also something that if I miss any of it I’m not going to loose out on a plot point), and got me head down.

I’m not sure what time I nodded off but I woke up about ten or so and turned off the TV and the next time I woke up was when Max barked his head off and I went down to see what had alerted him (I think it was a fox or something). That was about three this morning. I went back to sleep for forty-five minutes or so and got up when my alarm went off at four.

And you know what, I feel pretty awake today. That’s the first time I’ve tried doing that and I’ve managed to sleep. When I’ve tried early nights before they just haven’t worked.

So today, let’s rock and roll!

Guard dog extraordinaire

I’m A Stress Eater

When I’m stressed out I overeat. When I was younger it was really bad. I’d eat two or three bars/bags of chocolate a day, and I’m talking the large share bags/bars of chocolate not the little ones you get at a newsagents.

It’s a coping method and something I just did. There wasn’t any thought going into it and it’s not been till the last few years where I’ve started connecting the dots and realising its a problem. I try and figure out what pushed me to food, and I find I’m a little grateful I wasn’t going out drinking in those days. Addiction is something that I’ve always feared, so I never really drank too much alcohol and definitely never did any illegal drugs or abuse legal drugs. I didn’t realise that sugar was sneaking in and claiming me, not until many many years later. I used to think ‘at least I’m not an addict’ not realising there was more to addiction than alcohol and what I thought of as drugs.

As I’ve got older its harder to eat as much, and that’s coincided with me realising it’s a problem. And in particular the last eighteen months or so it’s something I’ve been trying to manage better, not very successfully but I’m trying. Writing this post will hopefully help with that as it’s admitting it in such an open forum.

This is a very big bar of chocolate, and I only ate a little of it and have the rest for other days.

I’m listening to my body a lot more, and that’s something which feels like it’s changing. I used to stuff my face and then wonder why I was feeling rough, totally ignoring the tub of ice cream I’d just eaten. Now I’m realising when I’m full, but also managing to stop myself from eating more. It used to be that I would keep going until the bar/bag was finished. The thought of leaving some for tomorrow either didn’t occur or seemed like an obscene concept.

Since realising just how bad I can binge eat and figuring out how to firstly manage it, and now try and beat it I am feeling better. I know the days when I don’t beat it. I feel heavy and sickly. I’m putting so much rubbish into my system and I need to at least compensate with more water for example (drink two litres of water a day folks!). But I feel like I’m going in the right direction with it. I drink less energy drinks, try and eat less sugary snacks and snacks in general. After my evening meal I feel full now, and if I do have something I’m trying to just have a bit but I’m working on not eating if I feel full.

Tea has to have sugar in it!

I’m also thinking about the ‘when’ of eating. Too much sugar in the evenings affects sleep, which when insomnia is something you battle with you don’t really want to give it an ally. I’m trying not to eat after 9pm and with the exception of an occasional hot chocolate I try to just drink water or squash after 9pm as well. I’d like to cut this down to 8pm if I can but for the moment I want to be consistent about having that 9pm shut off.

At times I feel like I’m winning, and then I have a major setback and feel like hell and guilt trip myself for failing so hard, which then strengthens the urge to binge eat. It’s one of those vicious circle things. But I feel like I can get the balance right. Am I likely to give up sugar? no, but I can live my life without it dictating my intake of it. If I consume less sugary snacks I’ll start feeling it both physically and mentally and I’ll hopefully loose a little of the extra weight I’ve gained this last year, I’ll feel better mentally and that’s a win all around.

I don’t actually like this picture of me cause I look at it and just read my gut 😕

27th of August 2021

Good evening, folks! How are we all doing tonight?

I’ve had somewhat of a slow day after I finished work but I did get a few words written after getting other bits and pieces done.

Lovers got 432 words and Mermaid got 328 words. I’ve added a new element to Mermaid that I think gives it what it was lacking previously.

I still feel like I’m snatching words. I’m not able to get my butt down and get stuck in properly recently. I’m working on changing it up. I am working on my focus and discipline but in areas outside of writing. Hopefully I’ll be able to transfer those across to word wrangling as well.

Right, part of what I’m doing to improve focus, amongst other things, is working on sleep hygiene. And speaking of sleep, I’m off to bed.

I’ve had this for a while, finally sussing put what to put in it!

24/8/21

Evening, folks!

How are we all doing this evening?

Not a big writing day, about a 1000 words split about 50/50 between Mermaid and Lovers.

Right now I’m ending the day with a movie and then bed. I’m trying to adjust my evenings a little so I can get some better sleep.

Night folks, and rock on!

Tonight’s movie ☺️ recommended by a very dear friend which has become a favourite ☺️

Good Morning, 21st of August 2021

Good morning all! How are we all doing today? I am out of bed but my eyelids don’t agree with this decision and are trying to shut!

I’m sure once I’ve had a cuppa tea I’ll be a lot more awake….I hope!

I’ve got a busy day away from writing today so I’m going to try and get a decent hit done this morning. I’ve always found that when I’ve got writing done first thing the rest of the day flows much easier. I think it’s because I’ve achieved something already and that gives me a pretty decent buzz.

I’m still working on mermaid but I’m kinda getting that itch to work on something else. Despite being at the point in mermaid where I’ve gone past where the short story ended I’m just feeling like I need to play with something else. I’m not sure if I want to fight that or not. I think working on something else as I’m writing mermaid isn’t a bad idea. It’s something I’ve done before and I find it quite easy as a rule.

I’ll admit, I’m feeling very tired this morning. I didn’t sleep well and had planned to be out of be by about 8am but my body got me up at about 7ish and I would have liked that extra hour. I’ve already looked at mermaid this morning but couldn’t get my brain going. So I came here to get a blog post out in the hope it’ll help me push through the fog my head seems to be wrapped in because of the lack of sleep. But we’ll see.

Or I’ll just go back to bed for another hour!

Good Morning, 25th July 2021

A very early good morning from here in the UK. Seeing as I couldn’t sleep I thought I’d be productive and get a few words down. I’m also hoping it all wipes me out and once this post is written and I put my head down I drift off easily.

I have written 1111 words on a short story about a serial killer. I feel the story is going well, although I’m not really sure where it’s going. I’m letting the story tell me where it wants to go, which is a little frustrating but also quite fun.

When the sun is up I’ve got some beta readers notes to look at and then I’ll be doing the out loud red pen pass on Penal Earth. I’m going to set myself an easy target, maybe ten pages. I may do more, depending on how I feel and how my voice holds out.

Right, I’m going to try and sleep! I hope everyone reading this is having a fantastic weekend!

Good Morning, 12th of July 2021

Good morning folks! Last night the England men’s football team played a 120 minutes and then penalties in our first final appearance since the year we won the World Cup in 1966. This wasn’t the World Cup but a European Championships and in the end it ended in heartbreak. I just want to take a mi it’s here to say how proud I am of our team. We stepped up at the time we needed to and going into the World Cup qualifiers I think we’ve got a lot to be excited for. I will just congratulate Italy on their win, but don’t get too comfy with that trophy, we’ll be coming back for it in 2024.

That’s enough about football. Yesterday was a low impact writing day. I’m not sure how today will play out writing wise. Although I slept lat night it took time for me to drop off and then I had a very unsettled nights sleep. So I’m feeling rather wiped out right now.

I would like to get a chapter edited on the vampire book, which feels a little daunting as I know the chapters from here on out only get bigger! But, I’ll see how I am after work.

I love driving in the rain (picture taken when I parked)!

11th July 2021

Hey folks, I managed to punch through some of my recent difficulties with writing by cracking out a thousand words today. It’s not a new story, but a rewrite of one of the vampire ones. I’ve had a rough couple of days and tried to channel some of that into the story. It’s one that I think needs something a little more personal to tell the story I want to tell.

Writing wise that’s all I’ve done today. It was a long shift at work, not a bad shift though. It went quickly but due to a lot of problems sleeping I’ve not done a lot tonight aside from a little work on a coming blog post.

Tomorrow is a new day, a new week. So let’s make it a good one.

Even though I wasn’t working long tonight, Raven still decided to sit on what I needed.

3am thoughts (1/6/21)

I’m awake, very awake. That doesn’t mean I’m not tired, I’m beyond tired. Sleep isn’t coming though. Luckily I’ve not got the day job tomorrow, so I’m not having to worry about that.

The thing about be awake at this time of the night is very few people are. I don’t mean globally, and thanks to the internet there is always someone I can chat to as I’m blessed to have made friends all over the planet thanks to writing, and the internet. Where it gets strange is there are no, or very few, cars driving up and down my road. Yeah it’s a little country lane, but we’d still get vehicles coming up and down. There’s always tractors and other farm machinery moving around. We get people walking up and down, some with dogs, others without. Cyclists use the road as well. We get a lot of groups of cyclists that I’m guessing are from local organisations (all seem to forget the rule of riding single file, but that’s a rant for another day).

If someone walks this road tonight they might glance up at the single window illuminated and wonder who is awake, and why they are. They might even seen me (my desk is at my window). Will they have the same thoughts I am? How the hours between midnight and say, 5am, are strange and almost alien. Or are they thinking, ‘look at that muppet’.

I know for some the nighttime hours are not weird. They’re not an alien concept. For them it’s their profession. How many jobs now exist where people work all hours. I don’t just mean the emergency services but I’m thinking about hauliers, taxi drivers, workers fixing roads because at night it’s easier as it’s less impactful on the traffic, Supermarket workers. There’s a whole host of people going to or still at work while the majority of us sleep.

I’m not a city boy, but I’d imagine even the cities and towns which are people say never sleep, still see a drop in activity in these early hours of the morning. We as a species aren’t nocturnal. Some people are, they feel at home when the sun is giving light to the other side of the planet, but for most people their days start when the sun is rising or risen, and end when it takes it’s light away for another day.

Unlike Raven, I’m not nocturnal.

I’m going to try and sleep. Writing this post might have pushed me over that tipping point where exhaustion will win out over the reasons why I’m awake.

Peace out, Folks!