I’ve not blogged much recently because I’ve been feeling like I’m talking and talking and not getting anywhere. I felt disillusioned as I haven’t got anything published for a while. Despite the fact that what I’ve been doing is getting projects cleaned up and ready to be submitted or self-published, I was still feeling like a fraud.
But I have been working fairly consistently.
I’ve only had four days this month where I haven’t done some form of writing work. I’ve written 1908 words but have edited 76368 words.
I am making progress, I’m just frustrated because I know my zombie novella won’t be out this year now. It’s ready to be formatted and the cover art is all but done, but cash flow will stop it from being out this year. I’m gutted about this. I’m really happy with how it’s come out, but I’ve got to accept the situation.
Penal Earth is done. I’m just waiting to pitch it to a publisher early next year, but if they turn it down I’ll get it submitted elsewhere and if I have no luck I’ll get it edited and self-published.
The vampire book is all but done. I’ve got my hard copy with a few little red-pen notes and then it’s ready to be serialised on my Ko-Fi page next year, in my Welcome To my Nightmare tier. I’ve not sure if I’ve shared that, but that’s where it’s going to start its life. I’ve tried to set it up so that it’s episodical, so I hope I’ve done it in a way that it works.
Black Blood is tidier than I thought it was. I think it’s not far off being done. Once I’ve done my current pass I’ll be printing it off and doing that final red-pen pass and then that too will be ready for submitting or self-publishing.
Once I am done with those I’ll be done with all of them. These four projects have dominated my writing path for far too long and it’s time I wrapped them up and sent them off into the world.
Then, maybe I won’t feel like the pretender I don’t want to be.
This morning I have edited 14745 words on the Vampire book, and that edit is done! One last pass for me. It’s printing out as we speak and I’m going to go through with a red pen and make sure there are no silly grammar, spelling, or plot hole I’ve missed.
Needless to say it feels good having this one this close to being wrapped up. That makes it three that are almost ready for publishing. Zombie, Penal Earth, and Vampire Era. Very close is Black Blood.
I’m making this call now, but I don’t think Zombie will be out this year. It’s a financial situation in that it’s money for the cover art (which looks fantastic by the way), thankfully I have a really awesome cover artist who is very understanding.
Although I don’t think it’ll be out this year, I’m still gonna try for it to be.
Now I’ve got to think about NaNoWriMo, Because it’s gonna be here bloody soon! Feel free to add me on nanowrimo.org just search my name. I’ve got no idea what I’m going to be writing for it, but I’m sure I’ll come up with something.
Right, my brain is a little frazzled now. So, I’m going to chill out a bit.
Yesterday I edited 10503 words and wrote 141 words. I did the 141 while waiting for my car to be MOT’d, trying to make some use of time that is presented to me. The 10k of edited had kind of burnt my brain out though, so although I got some words down I’d like to have got closer to that 200 words in that time period.
This morning I’ve edited 6149 words and was going to start on the next episode but if I do that then I’ll not get any housekeeping done afterwards. I’ve got a number of little bits and pieces that although not urgent, do need doing.
I got up an hour and a half earlier than I was planning to, so I’m ahead of where I was expecting to be by this time. I’m trying to remap my sleep patterns, and a big part of that is getting to bed earlier. My day job tends to have a 6am start time so I’d like to get to the point where I’m getting more sleep in general at night and not have to rely on naps to keep my energy levels high. I also want to be getting better sleep. Although last night was a little interrupted a few times it did feel like a decent nights sleep.
Having a decent nights sleep helps with mental health as well. Lack of sleep, for me at least, is a big reason why I can be more susceptible to feeling down. When I’ve got a decent amount of sleep I also feel a lot more productive and able to work in the manner I want to.
I’m going to be working for another hour or so, and I’d like to get a bit more editing done as well. Let’s see how much my brain can take before it checks out for the day!
I have got some words written in a short story so far this month, but not many.
I’m slowly getting back into the flow, making forward progress. As I’ve said previously this edit of the vampire draft is focused on making sure the continuity is right after recent changes. I’ve found the odd sentence that needed a little tweaking as well but I’m generally very happy with what I’ve got.
Speaking of the vampire book. I will be serialising it on my Ko-Fi page next year. I think it’ll fit nicely and I can’t wait for folks to read it.
This morning I’ve worked through the first episode of the vampire book. That’s 13368 words I’ve read through. This wasn’t a deep edit by any means. This story is almost done and this final read through is just to try and find any little grammar and spelling mistakes, plot holes I’ve missed and to make sure the continuity is okay after the recent changes I made to two of the episodes. These changes did bind a certain plot line up beautifully.
Now, when editing I tend to hit about 10k and my brain checks out, which it has. I pushed myself for those last 3368 words I think so now I’m longing out to do some bits and bobs around the house and chill out a little.
Just a quickie today. Yesterday I got the read through of the original draft of Penal Earth finished and this morning I’ve done some planning for it. Mainly key plot points, character storylines, and a few other details.
So, I’m still struggling to get my arse in the chair and get some writing done. I did write a little before work and during my break yesterday, which was a start, but I still feel like I’m slacking off.
The why of that is a mystery. I think it may be a side effect of mental health. I was a little down recently and when I get like that writing tends to be put on hold, but I can normally get back into the flow pretty easily.
Away from writing, life is good. There are some big changes coming at work, but nothing that I don’t think will have a negative effect at work or on myself.
There is a lot going on in the world though. We’ve got Ukraine, Covid, Brexit here in the UK. Raising cost of living, rise of Nazism (I refuse to call them white supremacist. They’re nazis. Simple as that).
Here in the UK we’ve got a parliament that is in disarray. Our Prime Minister had to resign and feels like he’d already checked out before his successor has been chosen (not by the population of the UK but by the Conservative membership by the way). The two people who are the candidates to succeed him are both not very inspiring and honestly, much of the same. The opposition party is weak. So we’ve got a weak government (that is allowing raw sewage to be pumped into our rivers and seas) and a weak opposition. That’s not good for this country. Which feels more like corporations are being allowed to dictate policy when it should be the government telling corporations what they can and can’t do and if the corporations don’t like it, they can fuck off!
Okay, rant over.
In regards to writing and my lack of, everything above is just bollocks! It’s all just bullshit fucking excuses that I’m using to justify my lack of work. And bullshit is what it is. Everything above should not stop me from writing. When I’m down, use those emotions in my writing (writing also makes me feel good about myself, so why wouldn’t I do it?). The state the planet is in, the shitshow that is Westminster at the moment, vent that frustration into fiction. Or even a blogpost like this.
I’ve spent most of my life hiding from the world. Hiding who I am, what I think, feel and so on. Suppressing my own fucking voice!
I need to use it. I need to put it into fiction, I need to stand up for what I believe in. (For the record, if i have a racist, sexist, just generally horrible nasty cunt of a character in fiction; that’s not my voice. That’s me creating a character who is FUCKING what is wrong with so much of this world).
Okay, I’m going to shut up now and do some writing work.
Be true to who you are. Even when it’s hard, thats when we have to be strong and stand our ground.
I have not written much for the last couple of weeks. Partly because I’ve not been sleeping well and that led to a drop in my mental health. Nothing major, but writing was sacrificed so I could put more energy into family, friends, myself, and my day job. This isn’t to say I haven’t been thinking about it. I’ve solved a couple of problems I was having and I made sure to note them down.
One of the problems I’ve been fighting this last few weeks is imposter syndrome. That has hit me like a freight train. I haven’t felt this insecure about my writing in quite some time. A big part of it was finding a solution for a problem with the vampire series I’m working on. I’ve been fearing that it’ll need another huge rewrite and that dented my confidence. I don’t have the will to try and rewrite this series which has been in the works for well over a decade. I’d started working through it again last month, and got to two of the episodes and both need a lot fo work to fit into what I want to do. This led to a feeling that I would have to do that big fucking rewrite, and I’ve not looked at it since. I was torn between putting it to bed and moving onto other things. I was done. I don’t have the will to rewrite it again. A writer who is someone I have a lot of respect for keeps telling me to stop editing, and he’s right. I need to stop going over and over this shit time and time again.
But I now know how to fix it by making a few adjustments to those two stories which I felt wasn’t working. I’m a little mad at myself for not realising how to fix it sooner, because it’s such a simple fucking solution! Once those few tweaks are done I just need to go over the rest of it quickly to make sure the continuity works. Then it’ll be all but done! I do have a plan for what I want to do with this series, and not for nothing I want to move on.
Moving on includes Black Blood. This is another one that has been on and off the burner for a while. It’s one of those things where I know I can do better. To give you an example I’ve got a character who I Tell the reader is an arsehole. I know I need to show that more then telling it, and I can do it. I’ve just got to get out of my head that I’m a no good wannabe, and I can’t say I’m not until I put my work out there.
I know I can do it. I fucking know it! I NEED to get out of my own way. I’ve got to stop overthinking every single word I put down. It’s never going to be perfect, I’m never going to be happy with it. But I’m at the point where some projects I know I can’t go any further with. Like Penal Earth. Aside form one dinky little thing I need to add (literally one sentence) I’m done with it. I can’t make it any better. I need another pair of eyes on it. That’s an editor. I know who I want to send it too, but I don’t have the funds and I know they’re super busy at the moment. So I need to save the funds and send it to them when they’ve got the time of send it to another editor.
I’m gonna wrap it there, because I want to get cracking. I know what I need to do with the vampire book, so I’m gonna get it done.