A Little Fear and a lot of Frustration

Frustration: I found it really hard to get the motivation to get going tonight. Again, it was a case that once I’d done all of the little bits and pieces that I needed to do once I’d gotten home it was gone 8pm before I had even turned my iMac on. It’s this frustration at not being able to get a good start that really bothers me, but a late start can also be a blessing. Knowing I haven’t got much time to write means I have to focus more and make the most of that limited time. Tonight for example, I’ve managed to write 1400 words in about 50 minutes. Would I have done that if I’d had another hour? Probably not. Last night I had a little more time to write and I only wrote 97 more words and that took me 20 minutes longer. So maybe I need to accept that some nights I won’t be able to start writing till later and that may be a better thing. (and staying off Facebook helps too).

Fear: This little bit of fear I had tonight snuck up on me as I was pouring myself a glass of cola just before coming up to start writing and it was the fear of thinking I won’t hit my target of 30,000 words by January the 1st. Being struck by this fear was very irrational for two reasons. The first is that it doesn’t matter too much if i don’t hit 30k by the 1st. I’ve no deadline set by someone else to hit. It’s a deadline that I set myself. Secondly is that it is the 17th of December and as of tonight I have written 19,415 words this month. That means I’m 2415 words ahead of target (target was 1000 words a day) and even if I only write that 1000 words a day till the end of the month I’ll still hit target.

I don’t know where this fear come from tonight. Perhaps its seeped over from other, non writing, elements of my life. I don’t know. Maybe this is just part of the process, little pins of self-doubt jabbing at me when I’m not actually writing. When I am writing, that’s when things seem to make a little more sense.

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