Gaming: Grand Theft Auto V Online

I’ve been playing a lot of GTAV online recently as part of working on my self-care. Gaming for me is an escape for me. It’s one the few things that turns my brain off from everything going on around me.

With GTAV I used to play it a lot but my anxieties would get to me. Mostly I’d just drive around robbing convenience stores, stealing and selling cars, and occasionally working for another player as bodyguard or associate. I had a Motorcycle Gang clubhouse but rarely did anything with it. When I would do the missions I’d get very frustrated when another player would thwart my efforts. And after a while it felt like it was becoming toxic to me. I was literally driving around doing nothing in the game. So I deleted it.

A few weeks ago Stefan from Stefan’s Daily Gaming mentioned playing it so I loaded it up again. Unfortunately we’ve not been able to make playing together happen, yet. But I’ve got a few plans for when it does happen.

The first few sessions I didn’t really do a lot, but then I had my day out at Broadstairs and that realisation that fear is ruining my life and I started doing more. I’ve bought a ID counterfeiting business via my motorcycle gang and have done a couple of the Survival challenges. I used to never do anything like that. The one time I did I got a little shit talking from the other players, and that put me off. Now I don’t think I’d be as delicate to it, but I also think I’m not going to be doing many of these missions with strangers. I think I just need to find my people on there. With Stefan I think it’ll be good. We’ve done a fair bit of gaming together and I think we’ll work well together.

I do love how beautiful this game is ☺️

I would like to have peeps I play with on there. You see others doing it and I think it would enhance the experience. It’ll make earning cash easier as well as some of the contacts for example need at least two people and even the ones that don’t an extra gun would be handy. You can recruit players in game to work for you, with a Motorcycle Gang they start as Prospects. I’ve had next to no luck with this, but I will persist as I want to expand that experience of the game.

At the moment I am building funds so I can expand my empire. I have something that’s beginning to look like a plan building. I’ve done a little reading online for tips etc. and I’m beginning to get an idea of where I want to put my money. I’ve just got to earn it first, and I’m not buying funds from Rockstar. I’m not necessarily against that, but its not for me. A) I don’t really have the budget to spend on games outside of my Xbox Game Pass each month and B) I want to earn my money. I don’t want shortcuts. I want to hustle and earn my wealth.

I did what’s called a ‘gang attack’ which is where you face off against twenty or so NPCs, and used my armoured car as a shield! 🤣

Now, other players do bother me. Some, I think they’r recalled Griefers, although I prefer trolls, are just out to ruin others enjoyment. I can understand trying to screw up someone as they’re trying to transport goods. You earn cash and RP (Respect Points) in doing that. It’s the ones who’ll do that, and then spend the next ten minutes just trying to kill you. These people normally have vehicles which are hard to destroy, like military grade fighters, when all I wanna do is get back onto another money earner. I even had one troll message me on Xbox (not even the in game messaging system) bragging about a gaming chair and calling me a noob. Firstly, I’m not sure what the chair has to do with it, secondly, I’m nearly level 100 on the game, so although I’m not a gifted gamer calling me a noob wasn’t accurate, and thirdly I’m not rising to that bait. I’m past that. I haven’t got time to get in a dick waving contest over a video game. If you’re someone that gets pleasure from ruining someone else’s enjoyment then you really need help. I’ll also not back down. I’m not quitting a session due to someone trolling me. Stuff that, I’ve given into too many bullies in my life, and I’m not going to do it anymore. Especially not on a video game.

I’ve made a few missteps cash wise but I’m on a decent road to recovery with it and am getting close to instigating my next major purchase.

I know I’m not the most gifted gamer, but some things in the game I do well. I’ve found I’m pretty damn good on a motorbike (which is shocking cause in real life I’ve never been on one), but I do feel exposed and would rather be driving my armoured sports car. Especially in a session where there’s a lot of hostility going around. I will admit that when I’m in those sessions I tend to be a little more passive and not as pro-active when running my MC (motorcycle gang), but I think I’ll change that. Loosing a payday or dying in game isn’t the end of the world. I’ve not found anything on this game that can be lost and not recovered one way or another.

I feel like I’ve made a commitment to build something in this game. To be successful in it. It’s not going to be easy and I’ve got to keep a strong nerve and not quit when it gets hard.

Since writing this post yesterday morning I have added a nightclub to my growing empire and I think this is gonna help me step up a level.

12th August 2021

Good evening folks! How are we all doing tonight?

I wrote 740 words this morning and managed to finish a first draft of a story which has been a little difficult at times. Homestead is one that’s had a couple of false starts but I’m pleased I’ve finally got something I can now go back and tidy up and then wrap it up. I like how the story has gone as well.

It was a bit of a struggle to get going this morning. I woke up late and had plans this afternoon, so not much time to write. So I’m glad I got that 740 words done.

I’ve enjoyed this week off, but I’m looking forward to being back at work next week. I’m not back in at my store till Wednesday, but have a short training course at another store tomorrow. Which is really alien to me as I’ve never had to do a course before, well not since college.

Right, I’m off to bed. Have an awesome one, folks!

Realising The Fear

Wednesday really did open my eyes up to a lot of myself. One of which was writing my thoughts down. This is something I’ve known I’ve wanted to do for a long time but I’ve never been able to do it. I’m not really sure why but I think it might be a combination of the new medication I’m on, I’m having a little therapy, and it feels like something broke or changed in me on Wednesday.

Realising just how much fear and anxiety have ruled my life has been devastating in one degree, but freeing in another.

Fear was something we touched on in therapy on Monday, and I’m glad we did. The therapist recommended a book about fear that I listened to a big chunk of on the journey to and from the coast on Wednesday. And I think where it was something that we’d spoken about on the Monday I had realised that I was scared of everything and the therapist talked to me about it. Then going down the coast on Wednesday pushed open the door that was unlocked on Monday.

I’m finding this book really helpful.

I think about the excuses I used to make. For not going to the beach it’ll be things like I don’t like getting my feet sandy, or wet, or both. Or getting sand in my car (I was a var cleaner for almost 20 years, sand is a nightmare to get out of a cars carpets), but that doesn’t matter. It’s just sand. It was fear defeating me.

Even simple things like sitting in my garden to write or read. I wouldn’t do it, it would rarely even enter my head. The last couple of mornings I’ve made a cuppa tea and then gone out and had my tea while writing my thoughts done as the dog is running around doing his business.

This morning I was sitting there in shorts, t shirt, a hoodie and my sandals. I had Max jump up on the seat next to me as I wrote. It was chilly this morning. We’re moving into autumn here in the UK (almost halloween season!!!!!), so the weather is cooling and after a while I did retreat into the house. I am going to keep going out there till the weather is too brisk for my taste.

One of the fears I’ve had the last few days is that I wouldn’t be able to sit and writer as freely inside as I have been outside, but I managed to do it okay today. I’m not sure I can write like that when I’ve got loved ones around me, simply because of the distraction but I’ll give it a go at some point.

My fear seems to be focused on failure or disaster. If I drive somewhere I could be in a crash. But that could happen driving to work. It doesn’t stop me doing that. Yes, I could crash but the odds are massive of that happening.

As for failure. Well, it’s a case ‘well what happens if my book doesn’t do well?’ that’s something I can’t control. The best thing I can do it write the next story. If I play online and join a group doing a team mission and I screw up, what’s it matter? It’s not the end of the world. Learn the lessons from it and try again.

I only fail when I don’t try. When fear stops me. I’ve lived in a state of fear my whole life.

I’m not doing it anymore.

My eyes are open, I’m realising what I can do to move forward and over come this fear.

I’m going to do what scares me. I’m not fearing the anxiety I used to.

I am moving forward.

29th of June 2021 – Stealing Words

Good morning folks, How are we all doing today?

I’ve got a busy day today so I’ve made sure I’ve sat down and got some words down before starting. I am hoping to get back into the writing work later on today, but it all depends on how I get along with other tasks.

I have written 456 words this morning on a story called Isolation (placeholder title). This short is now 1007 words long and it tied into a bigger story that I’m working on. More to come on that in the future once I’ve set some more foundations.

I am slowly getting back into the habit of what I think of as Stealing Words. This is where I will write a few words when I have just a few minutes. Like if I get to work a little early then I’ll type a sentence or two. Making sure I write on my breaks. Even if it’s a short shift with a short break, I can squeeze some words in during that time. Even if it’s not good, and I delete it later it’s still words written. Okay, I can’t edit like that. Brainstorming isn’t really doable for these snatches of time either. But writing a few words, for me that’s very doable.

Right, I’ve got to get cracking. I hope you all have a fantastic day! Please look me up on the social medias, the links are on the right hand side of the screen!

Rock on, Folks!

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Dirty Deeds 9 by Armand Rosamilia Audiobook narrated by Jack de Golia Another entry in the Crime Thriller series! Another day, another job… only this time the disgusting father wants to see me do it. As if that isn’t enough, trouble with the cast of characters around me is about to get really bad, too. […]

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3am thoughts (1/6/21)

I’m awake, very awake. That doesn’t mean I’m not tired, I’m beyond tired. Sleep isn’t coming though. Luckily I’ve not got the day job tomorrow, so I’m not having to worry about that.

The thing about be awake at this time of the night is very few people are. I don’t mean globally, and thanks to the internet there is always someone I can chat to as I’m blessed to have made friends all over the planet thanks to writing, and the internet. Where it gets strange is there are no, or very few, cars driving up and down my road. Yeah it’s a little country lane, but we’d still get vehicles coming up and down. There’s always tractors and other farm machinery moving around. We get people walking up and down, some with dogs, others without. Cyclists use the road as well. We get a lot of groups of cyclists that I’m guessing are from local organisations (all seem to forget the rule of riding single file, but that’s a rant for another day).

If someone walks this road tonight they might glance up at the single window illuminated and wonder who is awake, and why they are. They might even seen me (my desk is at my window). Will they have the same thoughts I am? How the hours between midnight and say, 5am, are strange and almost alien. Or are they thinking, ‘look at that muppet’.

I know for some the nighttime hours are not weird. They’re not an alien concept. For them it’s their profession. How many jobs now exist where people work all hours. I don’t just mean the emergency services but I’m thinking about hauliers, taxi drivers, workers fixing roads because at night it’s easier as it’s less impactful on the traffic, Supermarket workers. There’s a whole host of people going to or still at work while the majority of us sleep.

I’m not a city boy, but I’d imagine even the cities and towns which are people say never sleep, still see a drop in activity in these early hours of the morning. We as a species aren’t nocturnal. Some people are, they feel at home when the sun is giving light to the other side of the planet, but for most people their days start when the sun is rising or risen, and end when it takes it’s light away for another day.

Unlike Raven, I’m not nocturnal.

I’m going to try and sleep. Writing this post might have pushed me over that tipping point where exhaustion will win out over the reasons why I’m awake.

Peace out, Folks!