Good evening, folks. How are we all doing today?

I had a lot of expectations for myself this month. I had some time off and thought to myself I could really get stuck in and make some significant progress with a number of projects this month. I was aiming for a forty hours over the month but I hit the road block that is my own insecurities and doubts. I feel like a fraud, I’ve got this urge to write, to put my words out into the world but fuck me do I get in my own way incredibly well.

But I also had a load of crap outside of writing. In the summer I had a mechanical fault with my car that knocked my cash flow. My bed recently gave up the ghost and I’m currently sleeping on a camp bed with a single mattress on it (new bed is ordered and will be here next week hopefully), so I think that is why I’ve had worse sleep than normal. A couple of more important life things came up and were seen to. There’s been a number of random little things that have contributed to my stress levels over the last few months as well.

My mind has had a lot of little things racing through it recently as well. From relationships and friendships, to being dyspraxic and whether there is anything more going on in my head that I don’t know about. Therapy earlier on in the year has been massively helpful, but it’s also unstitched some threads that I’ve been thinking about, and thinking about how the things I need from life are somewhat out of reach. It’s really hard to explain, but I crave a certain type of connection that’s beyond friendship or a relationship. As kooky as it sounds but a soulmate, someone who I click with and feel a connection with that can’t really be described. I don’t believe a soulmate has to be a relationship. You see soulmates all the time, it could be two siblings, friends, or an intimate partner. I’ve had people in life who I do feel a connection too, a deeper bond than friendship. Some of these awesome people are still in my life and I’m grateful everyday for them. Sometimes though, I just wish I had that higher level connection that I see some of my dearest friends have.

Today I’ve got stuck into Penal Earth 2 again, and I’m feeling like I’ve got back to a better mindset as well as feeling more settled in myself. So let’s get fucking going!