Howdy folks, how are we all doing this afternoon? I have just come back from a short walk with the doggo. I’m trying to walk more often but although I have walked more in the last month or so I’m not being very consistent with it. I mostly walk by myself but will take Max out occasionally. I can’t go too far with him because after a while he’ll say ‘nope’ grab the lead and make it clear he’s ready to come home.

Last month I wrote 6250 words and edited 42856 words. I spent about nineteen and a half hours doing this. Considering how far off I felt at one point I’m quite happy with this. So far this month I’m at six and a half hours. I was hoping to be closer to the ten hour mark but I got hit with a bit of a bug or something on Tuesday. For two, three days, I wasn’t feeling right. Not anything in particular, but just wasn’t feeling right. This has lead to five nights of erratic sleep, so I’m feeling a little zombified at the moment. The two hours and fifteen minutes editing this morning has helped, and I’m hoping being back at work this coming week will help get back into a sleep routine as well.

If you’ve been following me for a while you’ll know I’ve had my struggles with mental health. Generally I’ve been pretty good this last year or so. I had some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, CBT. This helped massively, even to the point where I’ve come off the medication and have been feeling pretty good overall. I still have my down moments, and when I do I just try and use the tricks CBT taught me. I try and do the things that I know I enjoy, most the time it works. And at worst I seem to be able to keep myself somewhat level and crack on the best I can. Sometimes unexpected things will spiral me a little. A few months ago I was working a Sunday shift, I work in a supermarket, and a customer said something to me that triggered one of those intrusive thoughts. I wasn’t having a good mental health day. It was just one of those days, and it was the morning after England had beaten Norway in the World Cup. I was standing minding my own business on self-service, ready to help anyone who may require it, and an older man came up to me as he was leaving after buying his groceries and said to me, and I quote “I think England are going to wind the world cup this year, you must remember what it was like when we won it the last time,” I said something along the lines of that I wasn’t that old, and I’m only in my mid forties. He responded with, you look older. I, self-esteem in rapidly increasing free-fall, replied with, “Thank you, have a lovely day,” I shared this with colleagues and thankfully they shot off a bit of good natured banter and I tried to crack on with my day. For the record, I get that I look older than I am, but I’m not sure I look like I’m the same age as my dad. Who was closer to five than he was ten when England won the world cup in 1966. I was born in April 1982 by the way.

This incident has led to this being something that really digs at me at times. I’ve had issue with how I look for years, and most of the time I just get on with it. I do want to loose a little weight and build some fitness, thus the walking, but that’s not going to change the way my face looks. I could dye my hair again, but no. It would be too much of a shift change and I’d get more comments about it than I’m comfortable with. That wouldn’t help my hairline or bald spot either. I was beginning to think my age was catching up with my face, but that little bit of self-delusion has gone right out the window.

The fact that it has been quite some time since this happened that it’s still chipping away is a great example of how somethings will fester in my grey matter. It’s never the fact that a rather attractive customer once said I was looking very ‘rugged’ one day. Or when I’ve been praised by a manager when I have a particular strong work day. It’s always the negative shit that anchors in and takes hold.

Anyway, I’m hoping this will help me exercise this matter. There’s not a lot I can do about how old I look, getting a little fitter is something I can change. So is my writing progress. I’ve not had the start for September I was aiming for, but I’m still in a good position. This coming week the minutes spent writing will go down as I’ve got a full working week but I’m snatch what ever minutes I can.

Thank you of letting me rant! Have an awesome day, folks!